


a little bit of california, with a little bit of london sky

by juliawrites



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mutual Pining, Phandom Big Bang 2017, american au (sort of lol), boys being dumb, but we love them anyway
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-27
Updated: 2017-10-27
Packaged: 2019-01-25 05:15:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 25,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12523800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/juliawrites/pseuds/juliawrites
Summary: (alternatively, dan and phil go outside.)on an impulsive road trip dan plans right before their high school graduation, the truth will out.





	a little bit of california, with a little bit of london sky

**Author's Note:**

> (general tws: swearing, underage drinking (brief), scene of bullying w/ homophobic overtones, slightly violent scene w/ a gun (dw no one dies), pining so ridiculous you might pull your hair out, dumb californian driving laws) 
> 
> so uh WOW this is kinda weird! i genuinely never thought i'd ever actually publish a fic because i am an incredibly unmotivated person, so i am so SO glad i impulsively decided to sign up for pbb like a day before the deadline. it has changed my life.
> 
> if you write, then you'll know how easy and frustrating it is to start a really great idea but never finish it. so i would like to give a MASSIVE shoutout to my beta emily. without you, none of this would be possible. you give me inspiration and motivation to keep writing, and you give the absolute best edits in the world. your bants in the margins always made my day better, and you went above and beyond my wildest dreams. thank you so much for sticking with it and also for editing this out of order because i can never write things linearly. you've truly shaped this fic into what it is, and i could never truly express in words that literally none of this would be possible without you.
> 
> second big shoutout to my artist sondra, whom is the sweetest and also left the best comments that brightened my day so much. she has made some wonderful artwork!! go check it out, 10/10 would recommend. you're the best addition to the team i could have ever asked for:  
> http://sondrascribbles.tumblr.com/image/166856328198
> 
> here is a link to the spotify playlist dan makes for the trip (his actual playlist is a lot longer, this is the abridged version, in the interest of saving time):  
> https://open.spotify.com/user/haywirefancy/playlist/2JYxMSCJ9uzaqBnTlmN36u
> 
> title of the fic is from 'fly away' by 5sos (the second song on the playlist, see what i did there).
> 
> okay cool. enough rambling. enjoy!!

A loud buzz rattles the nightstand. Phil blinks slowly, confused--hadn’t he only just gone to sleep? It couldn’t be time for him to wake up already; the alarm must be mistaken.

He reaches over to his phone to see that the insistent noise is, in fact, not his alarm, but a phone call. He automatically begins to worry. The caller ID bears the name “D-Slice.” He slides to accept the call, hands slightly shaking.

“Phil?” whispers the voice on the other end of the phone. “You awake?”

“What is it?” he answers, trying to keep his breathing even, trying not to let his mind picture a million and one scenarios that could be happening right now.

“I have a slight emergency,” the voice tells him, low and soft.

Oh God. “Is everything alright? What is it? Do I need to come over?”

“No, it’s not that kind of an emergency. Well, I mean, sort of.”

“What does that mean? Are you at home? Do I need to come get you?” Panic settles into his bones. Phil reaches for the keys on his dresser.

“No. Did I wake you up?”

He huffs out a quick breath. He knows how this conversation goes, but he does it anyways. “No, I’ve been up studying. Did something happen?”

“You’re a really bad liar. And yes, something happened. This entire year happened and I don’t know if I can take it. I know I might not graduate, but if I have to go to school for even one more day I think I might actually fall apart.” He pauses for a moment, having pushed everything out in one breath. “Phil. I can’t go back there.”

He breathes deeply and exhales. “Dan, if you don’t want me to come over and you’re not having a physical emergency then I’m just going to give you an answer you don’t want to hear.”

“Would you say it for me anyways?”

“There’s a week left of school. And I know it’s tough, but you’ve worked so hard. Don’t throw it all away over one bad week, alright? You can do it.”

“I changed my mind, I don’t want you to say it anymore.”

“Can’t take it back. S’already been said.”

“Go back to sleep, you idiot.”

“You were the one who woke me up, Howell.”

“Ooh, pulling out last names, are we?”

“Seriously, though. You’re sure you’re okay?” Phil reluctantly places his keys back on the dresser, but he doesn’t lie back down just yet.

“Yes. Please don’t stress yourself out too much, just get some rest.”

“It’s a bit late for that now.”

There’s silence on both ends. “Phil, I’ve just had a brilliant idea. Well, kind of brilliant, kind of stupid. Okay, well, mostly stupid.”

“Care to enlighten me?”

“Patience, Lester. I’ll tell you at school tomorrow.”

“So you’ll go? To school?”

“Yeah... for now.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Good night, Philip.”

He hangs up before Phil can get a “Good night, Daniel” in. He glances at the time, which reads 1:46 AM. His head hits his pillow with a thump and he resolves that Dan Howell will unquestionably be the death of him.

 

\--

 

The night Dan learned his family was moving, he waited for his parents to leave the room, and cried silent, body shaking sobs into his pillow.

The company his parents worked for had just opened up a new branch in sunny Los Angeles. Their family had been selected to close up shop in Manchester and move to an entirely new country. In just over a month, they’d have to start over.

Dan’s parents tried to reason with him–they were getting a significant pay raise, they’d find a place that allowed pets, and he could have a unique and amazing experience. In four years’ time, he could move back to England if he really wanted to. This move would give him the perfect opportunity to start anew. But Dan was a creature of habit. This sudden development had turned his whole world upside down.

When the day finally came and Dan’s family had hopped onto the plane, he cried until he was numb. He had said goodbye to his few friends and to his childhood home, and the next thing he knew, he was waking up in an entirely new country. Everything around him was foreign and scary.

His parents encouraged him to make new friends, but Dan was not really an Introduce-Yourself-To-People kind of guy. They did get a dog, as promised, but other than that, Dan had resigned himself to a miserable four years. Again, his parents tried to reason with him. “At least everyone in your year is starting a new school at the same time as you,” his mother had said, but this did nothing to soothe Dan’s fears.

The morning of his first day of high school, Dan considered hiding in the attic, but his mum practically dragged him out of the house before he had the chance. The dread he felt at people making fun of his accent made him queasy. When he arrived at school, it felt less like being dropped off at an institution of learning and more like the gates of hell.

Upon entering, he was swarmed by a flurry of student council members, all eager to show him around the new school and be his “campus buddy” for the week. The offers were all well and good, but he was trying to stick to his plan. He wasn’t going to talk to anyone today, or ever, if possible, for the next four years, until he could move back to England and get his life sorted out again.

He kept his head down and hurried past until he reached the table in the quad with everyone’s class schedules. After mumbling his name to the perky cheerleader handing them out, trying desperately to disguise his accent, he headed off to the main hall.

The place was practically a maze; Dan all but swerved directly into the girls’ bathroom before finally finding his own locker. Then came the trouble of trying to figure out how to open it, and what to even put in it. The sounds of people around him reuniting after a summer of having been apart were already drowning him and the day hadn’t really begun.

He slammed his locker shut in frustration, staring at his schedule. The rooms were all over the place; how was he supposed to find them? Anxiety began to seep into his bones and he began to shrivel. He could just ask someone, but that would ruin his plan.

Dan stared back at his schedule, trying to concentrate as best as he could, when all of a sudden, a huge body came crashing into him, sending him flying backwards. He slammed into the ground with a huge thud and watched desperately as the paper flew out of his hands and across the hall.

“Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry. Are you okay?” a voice sounded from above him. Dan blinked once, then twice. Had he just heard what he thought he did?

“You’re British?” he asked, slightly flummoxed.

A hand reached down to help him up to his feet. “So’re you?”

“Holy shit,” Dan breathed. “Small world.” Dan stood up to find himself face to face with a boy with startlingly blue eyes and fringe almost identical to his, only he had black hair instead of Dan’s brown.

“Sorry about knocking you over.”

“It’s okay,” assured Dan. “I’m honestly fine.”

“I’m Phil,” the boy said, reaching out his hand. “I just moved here, so I’m a bit out of sorts.”

“I justed moved here too!” Dan exclaimed, perhaps a little too loudly, but the relief seeping into his bones was overwhelming. “I’m Dan.”

“Small world,” Phil mused.

“I think you dropped this?” someone’s voice from behind them said. Dan spun around to see a guy his age holding Dan’s schedule.

“Thanks,” Dan grumbled in reply, feeling his cheeks slightly heat up. Of course, his first day here and he was already making a complete fool of himself in front of the whole school.

“PJ,” the guy offered. “If either of you need any help with stuff, just let me know. I mean, I’m a freshman, so I don’t know much more about this place than you do, probably, but I can try my best.”

“That would be great,” Phil responded breezily. “I’m Phil, and this is Dan.” There was something about him that was decidedly different. He had just knocked Dan over, so shouldn’t he have been at least a bit embarrassed? “My first class is in the one hundred hall.”

“Mine is too!” exclaimed PJ. “What about you?” he asked Dan.

He squinted at his schedule. “Same here,” he replied, a grin spreading on his face before he could stop himself.

“Then we’re off,” PJ declared. “First day of school, here we come!”

 

\--

 

Phil leans against the cool metal of his locker. Tomorrow is the schoolwide cleanout day and he knows he should probably be getting a head start on it--there are plenty of old notes and half-eaten lunches to throw out--but he can’t be bothered right now. In fact, he can barely keep his eyes open.

“Morning sunshine,” a familiar voice greets him. Phil whirls around to see PJ. “Woah,” he says at the sight of Phil’s face. “Did you get hit by a truck or something?”

“Or something,” Phil mutters, getting out his maths book. “Couldn’t sleep last night.”

“And why’s that?”

“It’s a long story.”

Phil feels a tap on his shoulder. “Hey, loser.” He turns to find none other than Dan Howell standing before him, looking terribly perky for having gotten even less sleep than Phil.

“Morning,” he grumbles, covering a yawn.

“You look awfully down this morning; is everything alright?” Dan asks, chipper as ever.

“It’s way too early for this. Under different circumstances, I might be willing to humor you. But right now it’s seven thirty and this,” he gestures towards his dark circles and overall groggy complexion, “is pretty much your fault.”

“I see.” PJ nods and looks between them. “What happened?”

“In essence, as long as I’m Dan Howell’s best friend, I’m never gonna get any sleep.”

“It’s a package deal,” Dan responds, grinning. “You have to give up a few hours of sleep, but in exchange you get the joy of my presence in your life, and the pleasure of seeing my beautiful face every day.”

“All convincing points.” Phil rolls his eyes.

“Oh, and I still haven’t told you my plan. I spent all night coming up with it.”

“Then how are you acting like this?”

“Lots of coffee.”

“I’ll leave you to it then,” PJ says, nodding to both of them. “See you at lunch?”

“Yep,” Phil promises. Then the two of them are alone.

“Alright, you ready?” Dan’s eyes are almost sparkling. What did he put in that coffee?

“I’m ready.”

“Here is my proposition. I want the two of us to do something special together. Alone, meaningful, memorable. Because we’re best friends and we need to find a way to have physical, lasting proof of it.”

“What, the past four years’ events have been meaningless?” Phil jokes.

“Not at all,” Dan retorts. “That’s the exact reason I came up with my plan.”

“Right. The plan you have yet to actually tell me.”

“Drumroll, please.” Phil humors him and does as requested. Dan takes a deep breath, then grins, making his dimples appear. “We’re gonna go on a road trip!” he exclaims.

Phil blinks, dropping his hands from the locker he’d been using as a drumset. “A what?”

“A road trip!” Dan wrapped one arm around Phil’s shoulders, gesturing wildly to the air in front of them as if painting a picture. “Think about it! Just the two of us and the open road. We’ve been in California for four years, but when have we ever ventured outside of the LA County walls? Now’s our chance!”

“I don’t even have my licence,” Phil says.

“I do, though,” Dan replies, dropping his arm from Phil’s shoulders and shrugging. “I don’t mind doing the driving. I like driving.”

“You might not after several hours of highway hypnosis and a numb rear end.”

“Come _on_ , Phil,” whines Dan. “This is gonna be the perfect thing to clear our heads of stress and cure our boredom. You know you think this is a fun idea, at the very least.”

“It does sound fun,” Phil admits. Even so, it’s his job to be the practical one and reel Dan back when his ideas get a little too crazy. “But-”

“Don’t say but,” Dan protests. “Just say you’ll do it because you love me and you know I’m filled with good ideas.”

“What about our families and lives?” Phil points out. “How do we plan on funding this?”

“Well, to answer your last question, I do have a spare thousand dollar check lying around. The thing’s been burning a hole in my pocket. It’s begging to be spent on this.”

“No,” Phil retorts. “Absolutely not, Dan. We are not spending your scholarship money on a road trip.”

“Well, what the hell else do I spend it on, then? It’s not like I’m going to college.”

“There are still a lot of things it could be used on,” Phil reasons, “like looking for a place to live on your own, or saving it in case of an emergency. Or, saving it in case you change your mind and decide to go to community college.”

“Phil,” Dan says, looking ironically similar to a scolding mum. “What do all of those suggestions have in common?”

“They’re practical?” Phil guesses.

“They’re boring,” Dan answers, rolling his eyes. “I would never actually think about things that involve the future. You know me better than that!”

“Fine,” Phil concedes. “I can’t stop you from spending your money however you like. When exactly were you planning on doing this?”

“Well, I was actually thinking we could just leave today. Like, right now actually. I already bought the snacks.”

Phil’s eyes widen. “Dan, no no no. We can’t just up and leave right before finals. That’s ridiculous. You do realize they’re important, right?”

Dan goes quiet for a bit. “If I don’t take them, I can’t fail.”

“But you need to take them or you won’t graduate. You know the rules”

“But I need to go on this trip or my head is going to explode,” Dan responds, looking utterly defeated.

Phil considers the situation. It does sound like fun. There’s no one in the world he would rather explore with than Dan. But so close to finals, and graduation? How realistic could this possibly be? He looks at Dan, pleading with an expression he only reserves for his most desperate of times. The puppy dog eyes have always been Phil’s weakness.

“Fine. I’m willing to compromise, okay?”

“You are?”

“Yes,” Phil replies, narrowing his eyes. “But in return, you have to do something for me.”

“Which is?”

“We take our finals,” Phil explains, “and the second they are over, I mean the moment school gets out on Wednesday, we take off, and we come back in time for the graduation ceremony.” Phil can already see that Dan’s face has brightened like a christmas tree. “But until that happens, you have to actually study. You have to promise to do your absolute best to make sure you meet all the graduation requirements. How does that sound?”

Dan huffs. “Promise you’ll keep this a secret?”

“Of course. Promise you’ll hold up your end of the bargain?”

“Anything for you, Philip.”

 

\--

 

“I don’t think this is a good idea,” PJ muttered under his breath, his mouse hovering over the large button labeled _buy_. “Seriously. I don’t know about this.”

“A dare is a dare,” Chris shot back. “Do it, or you’re a pussy.”

“Whatever. Fuck off. That was my allowance for the week.” With that, PJ clicked. The screen flashed _Thank you for your purchase!_ And the deed was done. Louise screamed in delight as Phil started to giggle uncontrollably.

“I can’t believe you actually just did that,” wheezed Phil between bursts of laughter. “That may have just been the greatest moment in history.”

By September of Dan’s freshman year, he had officially found his friend group. He stuck to Phil like glue, partly because they had more in common besides British lineage, and partly because Phil was willing to do most of the talking when meeting new people. After becoming friends with PJ, they’d been introduced to Chris, his best friend since kindergarten, and Louise, a girl PJ had met in his English class.

They were the group of misfits at their school; none of them really fit in anywhere, but Dan’s fears of bullying and torment had been unfounded. By October, they had settled into a routine, which involved hanging out at PJ’s every Saturday afternoon to play video games, messing around on his trampoline, and playing the most outlandish games of truth or dare the world had ever seen.

This afternoon was no exception. Chris had always come up with the most ridiculous dares out of the group, and whoever fell victim to them would end up in the biggest mess. That day, it was PJ’s turn to face Chris’ wrath.

“Alright, Peej,” Chris announced, bouncing excitedly on PJ’s bed. “I dare you to open up your laptop and get on Amazon.”

“Oh God,” groaned PJ, knowing that this wouldn’t end well.

“Hand it over. You have to buy whatever I open on the search. That’s your dare.”

He took a shaky breath. “Okay, fine.”

Chris took the laptop and scrolled while the entire room sat in suspense. Dan exchanged a worried glance with Phil, who bit his lip and shrugged. Eventually, Chris handed the computer back over.

PJ’s face fell as his eyes widened. “No, absolutely not,” he commanded, immediately closing it. “Not a chance.”

“What is it?” Louise asked, her face lighting up with excitement.

Chris had a mischievous glint in his eyes. “Condoms,” he practically whispered. He burst into laughter, as did the rest of the room. PJ turned bright red.

“Hey,” Louise attempted to reason. “Maybe they’ll be useful for you. It’s good to keep them around.” This comment only made PJ’s face flush even more.

Dan felt for him, he really did. He knew that PJ’s mom regularly checked his browsing history, and he also knew that PJ was a squeamish person in general. This was almost cruel on Chris’ part.

“I haven’t even said the best part yet,” Chris exclaimed. “This dare comes along with a prize.”

“A prize?” asked Phil, raising his eyebrows.

“Yeah. The ultimate crown of the truth or dare kingdom.”

“What is it?” Louise asked excitedly.

“Whoever in this room is the first to actually use what PJ is buying wins the game forever,” announced Chris, with a mischievous glint. “They get the mysterious prize from the truth or dare gods.”

“I’m confused,” PJ interjected. “Whichever person gets laid first wins a prize?”

“Only if they use your designated condoms,” replied Chris easily. “Then yeah, they get bragging rights and a prize.”

“Hold on,” Dan said. “What if none of us need to use them for, like, another three years? Then wouldn’t we just have to buy new ones anyway, and then no one would win?”

“He has a point,” Phil remarked.

“Oh, how little faith you have in us,” Chris sighed.

“I’m just saying,” muttered Dan. “No one would win, then.”

“Someone is gonna win,” Chris promised.

“Chris, if you’re so keen on this idea, you should just buy them,” Phil suggested. “Don’t subject PJ to your schemes.”

“It was his dare,” Chris shot back.

Phil looked at PJ and shrugged. “I tried,” he said, looking guilty. Dan silently applauded his efforts, but he knew as well as any of them that once Chris came up with the idea, there was no point in trying to change it. Eventually PJ gave in, and that was how he ended up buying a box of eight dollar condoms on the internet.

It turned out that none of them would win the mystical crown of which Chris had spoken. Dan was right; by the time any of them had gotten to that point, the box had been forgotten about, as well as the truth or dare games altogether. Although, theoretically, Louise could have been the one to use it, had she remembered its existence.

Freshman year was easy, because Dan was armed his best friend, and the willpower to make it to graduation so he could get the hell out of America and back home, where he knew he belonged. That, he was convinced, was all he needed.

 

\--

 

The sweet sound of the bell ringing, signalling not only the end of the day, but the end of the school year, is music to Phil’s ears. He scoops up his bag and rushes to the parking lot, eager to get on the road. Although he was initially skeptical of the idea, the more he thought about it, the more he realized what a perfect idea it is. He and Dan haven’t done anything fun or adventurous together in a long time, and Phil misses it more than he can say. School and college applications and life have been getting in the way recently and he wants this road trip to bring them back to the good old days. He sighs, remembering when everything was straightforward-- life was more fun and games without a care for the future.

He spots Dan’s Prius in the parking lot and practically sprints towards it. Dan already sits in the front seat, fiddling with the radio. Phil opens the door and lands with a thud. Dan jumps slightly in surprise before smiling and turning on the ignition. “Welcome,” he greets with a mischievous giggle.

Dan always drives, even though it’s technically illegal because he’s only seventeen, and California’s dumb driving laws are such that Dan cannot drive around minors, as a minor himself. So far, they haven’t gotten in trouble for this, and besides, Phil’s pathetic attempts behind the wheel have placed him permanently in the passenger seat.

With high energy and high spirits, Dan guns the gas pedal and speeds out of the parking lot. “Freedom!” Dan shouts after rolling down the window. And he’s right; now that finals are over, school is done, and they have no responsibilities. It feels exhilarating. It feels like new possibilities. “You’ll notice I have an entire duffle bag full of snacks,” says Dan. “It’s on the backseat.”

Phil swivels around. The bag is open, revealing the goods inside. There’s a large mix of snacks, including chocolate bars, Doritos, Chex Mix, and a family sized box of Frosted Flakes. “That’s quite the spread, Howell,” Phil notes.

“I come prepared,” replies Dan. “And I’m taking this very seriously.”

“I can see that.” It’s quiet for a few moments. Dan puts the radio on but keeps the volume low. “Where are we off to first?” Phil asks.

“A gas station,” says Dan. “I was gonna get it yesterday but I was too busy studying and I forgot.”

“Well, excuse me for trying to prevent you from being on the off-grad list,” Phil retorts, but it’s in jest, and Dan knows it.

“A fair point. Still, I doubt it helped me.” Dan frowns at the steering wheel.

“Well, we won’t know until they release our grades, so there’s no point in worrying about it now,” assures Phil. “Besides, the whole point of this trip was so that we wouldn’t have to think about school.”

“Look who’s talking, Mister I-Need-All-A’s-Even-Though-I’m-Already-Going-To-College,” Dan shoots back.

“Hey, they might redact my full ride if I don’t keep up my grades!” Phil defends. “I’m just saying. This car is a school-free zone.”

“Then shut your mouth, Lester.”

“Fine!” He tries to laugh, like Dan is, but he can’t ignore the sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach at the mere mention of college. Because college means moving away from Dan. College means the end of escapades like this.

Dan pulls into the station and turns the engine off. “You can check the duffle to see if I’m missing anything,” Dan suggests, promptly changing the subject. “If you want something, we can grab it here.”

“This looks like plenty of snacks,” says Phil, but still, he rummages through the bag a bit to humor Dan. Phil frowns when he sees a wad of cash rolled up in the corner. Dan’s scholarship money, what was supposed to help cover the foreseeable future of school and life, sits crammed in between beef jerky and a snickers. Phil had dipped generously into his own savings because he is still opposed to Dan spending money on a week when it is supposed to last a semester, but something tells him Dan’s not going to let him use it. “Everything looks good,” Phil announces through the window, where Dan leans against the car, waiting for the gas to fill.

“Great,” replies Dan. “Almost done.”

“Well hurry up, I wanna go already.”

“Hush. Good things come to those who wait.”

“Whatever.”

Dan finishes filling the car, and they leave the gas station. Phil decides to help himself to the frosted flakes, crunching them thoughtfully. “Okay, so really, is there a plan?” he asks.

“Of sorts. First step was gas. Second step is music. Third step is the five freeway.”

Phil raises his eyebrows. “Is there a step four?”

“What’s a city we’ve both always wanted to visit?”

“Tokyo?” Phil jokes.

“You can’t get to Japan on the freeway. Try again.”

Phil thinks for a moment. “Are we going to San Francisco?”

“Ding ding ding!” Dan exclaims.

“Seriously?”

“Yeah, why not?” Dan replies. “It’s like, seven hours away.”

“That sounds great,” Phil says. It’s far away, maybe a bit farther than he initially expected. But that’s not a bad thing.

“Glad you think so. Hand me my phone.”

“No. You’re driving,” protests Phil. “What do you need?”

“I made a playlist.” His cheeks turn light pink and Phil bites his lip to keep from giggling.

“The radio isn’t good enough for your cultured music tastes?” he teases.

“In a word, no,” says Dan. Although Phil’s music preferences don’t always align with Dan’s, he still loves to listen to Dan’s latest obsession. It brings him closer to Dan, and he does often find something new to listen to. Not always, but that’s okay. Not everything about them has to be exactly the same. Phil opens Dan’s Spotify and plugs his phone into the stereo. There’s a playlist, newly created, titled “Road Trip.” Phil presses play. Immediately, Dan sighs and smiles as the first notes of “Welcome to the Black Parade” fill the speakers. “Thanks,” Dan says quietly. He turns onto the freeway onramp and a grin paints Phil’s face.

It’s always like this. Phil closes his eyes and inhales. He wishes it could be like this forever.

 

\--

 

Dan, decidedly, did not like parties.

Actually, he didn’t like parties that Phil wasn’t at. This was one of them. Chris convinced him to come, and despite all of Dan’s protests, Chris had said, “It’s the last day of freshman year, when are you going to start learning to have fun?” So Dan, against his better judgement, arrived at Zoe’s house. Zoe was a junior and much more popular than Dan or his friends--definitely not part of the crowd he was comfortable with.

Immediately upon arriving, Chris abandoned Dan to talk with some other people from their grade, and Dan was left alone on the porch swing with a cup of Sprite and little to no dignity left. After mindlessly scrolling through Twitter for ten minutes, he realized he was really lonely and a bit pathetic. He wanted to text Phil, but he didn’t want to seem clingy or annoying. But the more he looked out at all the partygoers, enjoying themselves greatly (partly because almost all of them were drunk and high), the more he realized he deserved to be having just as good a time as them, even if it meant being antisocial on his phone.

 

 _D:_ _hey hows the family dinner going_

 

A response came quickly.

 

_P: Boring, hows the party_

_D:_ _also boring_

_P: Chris made it sound like it was gonna be fun tho?_

_D: well chris abandoned me. im sure hes havin a great time_

_P: Then what are you doing rn?_

_D: im on a porch swing._

_P: A porch swing?_

_D: yeah, i’m keeping it company._

_D: but im prob just gonna go home. im tired anyways._

_P: Won’t ur swing miss u?_

_D: life is full of disappointments_

_P: Wait, so i shouldn’t have just convinced my mum to let me come?_

_D: wat_

_P: omw. see u soon hobo_.

_D: wow rude, and ok see u soon_

Dan didn’t want to admit it, but the fact that Phil was coming made his heart soar. He felt annoying for constantly wanting to be with Phil, but he couldn’t help it. Phil was so easy to get along with, and everyone loved him. He was comforting. He felt like going to bed after a long and stressful day, like being wrapped up in familiar soft sheets and closing your eyes and forgetting about everything for a while.

Now his prospects didn’t seem so bleak. He went inside in search of snacks with newfound purpose. A few people he recognized said hello, but he didn’t give them much thought. He decided to move inside to the couch where there were far less people. He kept checking his phone, looking at the time. Any minute now, Phil would walk through the door and save him from this hell. He impatiently drummed his fingers on his knee. What if Phil had changed his mind? His nerves were on edge. Why was he nervous? It was just Phil. Why was he suddenly concerned about everything he was doing? It didn’t matter, it shouldn’t matter--

“Hey, stranger.” Phil slid smoothly onto the couch next to Dan. “You look kind of pale. What’s up?”

“Um,” Dan replied intelligently. “Hi.”

“Hi,” repeated Phil. “You okay?”

Dan felt his cheeks turn red. “Yeah. Sorry, just, parties aren’t my thing. I feel weird.” His embarrassment grew with each passing second. He had never felt like this, ever. Why did a random night with Phil suddenly matter so much?

“But I’m here now, yeah?” Phil assured, taking Dan out of his thoughts. “Pass the crisps.”

Dan obeyed, and soon conversation began to flow more naturally, with banter and jokes bouncing back and forth. The party continued on, mostly outside, but when Dan was with Phil, they were in their own little world. Nothing else mattered there; they could talk about everything and nothing. Dan never felt like that with any of his friends back home-- so comfortable, so disconnected from the real world but tied to it all the same. It was safe to say that Phil had become Dan’s best friend. Of all the people Dan had known, Phil definitely fit the title the best. Phil usually made him feel more at ease. But for some reason, tonight was different.

“Phil?” a voice sounded from behind them. “You made it!” They turned around to see Chris standing before them, grinning.

“Hey,” Phil replied.

“Wait right there, I’ll get you guys something to drink.”

“Oh, that’s okay,” said Dan immediately. He was already feeling strange; he didn’t need alcohol to alter his senses and knock him off balance even more.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Chris protested. “I’ll be right back.” With that, he took off, disappearing into the crowd.

“Thanks for the help,” Dan muttered, rolling his eyes at Phil.

“Oh come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”

“That’s not like you to be so carefree about everything. The worst that can happen is our parents find out and we’re grounded forever.”

“Okay, well, that’s not going to happen, so calm down. Don’t worry, you’re with me, Dan.”

Though Phil’s assurance did nothing to soothe Dan’s worries, he didn’t want to be stubborn and annoying so he complied, and Chris came back with two clear plastic cups of beer. Phil took a small sip and practically did a spit take. Dan followed suit.

“This stuff’s horrible,” Dan complained. “You’re actually drinking this?”

“It takes a while to get used to,” explained Chris. “Trust me, you’ll like it.” With that, he was off, back to where the party was in full swing in the backyard.

Chris, as it turned out, was wrong. Seven sips later, Dan was actually hating it more and more. Phil didn’t seem to be faring much better.

“Is this really worth it?” Phil wondered aloud.

“Nope.”

“Chris doesn’t have to know if we don’t finish, right?”

“No. Let’s dump these.” So they did, migrating outside, quietly tipping their nearly-full cups into the grass. Neither of them had much, but Dan squinted at the stringed lights atop the porch and realized that maybe it was enough. He didn’t feel drunk, necessarily, but he was a bit buzzed, pleasantly so. He glanced at Phil and smiled a little crookedly, and Phil giggled back. Out of nowhere, butterflies erupted in Dan’s stomach. He tried to shove them back into their cage, but they refused to sit still.

“Come on, everyone’s dancing!” Phil exclaimed, and he looked excited.

“I hate dancing,” protested Dan.

“Too bad, grumpy face.”

“That’s your worst insult yet.” But Dan obliged, because how could he not, and Phil grabbed his hand and pulled him over to the lawn. _Why did he do that? Why are we holding hands?_

So they danced, or at least attempted to. Dan thought he looked ridiculous. He watched Phil’s awkward movements and flailing arms, and knew he looked ridiculous. But he was with Phil, they were together, and they were having a good time. It was the first time ever that Dan felt like he fit in at school, like he actually belonged with all these happy, sweaty, American teens. It made Dan laugh, and it made him laugh to see Phil, his best friend in the whole world, right in front of him. It was thanks to Phil that he felt this way. It was thanks to him he didn’t feel so miserable anymore.

All of a sudden, he realized. He realized why he had been acting so weird earlier when he was anxiously awaiting Phil’s arrival. He realized why his brain started to short circuit while looking at him, why he felt impossibly drawn to him, as if by gravity. Why time seemed to stop when Phil took a step closer to him, and then another, until they were practically pressed up against each other.

Dan held his breath. He couldn’t think, he couldn’t move, he couldn’t do anything. He and Phil were face to face, and euphoria filled his senses. Phil was everywhere. He was everything.

With realization came disappointment. Because Phil pulled away, just slightly. Not by much, granted. But it was enough.

His heart quietly sunk to the floor. He was an idiot, a colossal idiot. For not realizing it sooner and for thinking it could happen. Because the more he thought about it, the more he realized this had been staring him in the face all year. God, Dan was a giant fucking moron. They went back to dancing, their version of dancing. But nothing was the same. Nothing would ever be the same.

 

\--

 

Phil wakes up, his head hitting the window, hard. “Fuck,” he mutters as he rubs his temple. “What was that?”

“I dunno, you were the one clumsy enough to hit your head,” Dan says.

Everything is hazy. Phil remembers that he and his best friend somewhat carelessly decided to go on a road trip, and things start to become slightly clearer. “Where are we?”

“Somewhere in Central California. Why?”

“What time is it?” Phil asks.

“It’s like, almost two. Why?” Dan repeats.

“And you haven’t had a break this entire time?”

Dan thinks for a moment. “Well, no, I guess not.”

Phil shakes his head. “Aren’t you exhausted? Don’t you want to at least stop to pee or something?”

“Why are you so worried about me?” Dan asks, but he’s smiling.

“Dan, it’s late. We’re going to stop at the next fast food place we see and get you some food, we are going to nap in the car, and then we can continue on our journey.”

“Phil, I promise you I’m okay, I don’t need sleep. I’m practically an insomniac.”

He simply shakes his head. “At least make a pit stop for some fresh hash browns,” he insists. “Doesn’t that sound yummy?”

Dan sighs dreamily. “I guess I could go for some fried potatoes.”

Phil claps, happy that Dan has given in. “Yay! Food time!”

“You are a literal child,” Dan says endearingly.

They agree that at the next food stop, Phil will fill up the tank while Dan goes to the closest fast food restaurant (which happens to be McDonald’s), and then Phil will meet him there so they can eat inside before getting back on the road. Ignoring Phil’s protests, Dan refuses to partake in the napping part of the plan, but Phil doesn’t want to push it, so he lets it be.

When they exit the off-ramp and ease onto the little road, it is completely devoid of life. Figures, because who in their right minds would be awake and driving at two in the morning? Dan parks the car in the gas station and hands Phil his large wad of cash to pay for the gas, keeping a bit to himself for food. With that, they part ways.

Phil leans against the car, taking in the breeze. It wasn’t uncommon for him to be up this late, as all-night study sessions and essay writing had become a norm in his life, but he would never be outside at two AM just because. While he waits for the tank to fill, he puts the cash Dan gave him into the glove box, and pulls out his own from his backpack instead. Dan doesn’t have to know.

He goes inside to pay the tired looking cashier, who rubs his eyes as he counts the money, grunting when he’s finished. Phil takes that as his cue to leave. He gets back into the car, nervous to drive even just across the street to the McDonald’s, though he had driven this car quite a bit before. In fact, Dan played a vital role in teaching Phil how to drive in it. He manages to not hit anything on the thirty second drive to the other parking lot, and praises himself for such a feat. He expects to get out and meet Dan inside, but when he parks and exits the car he sees Dan practically sprinting to him.

“What are you doing here?” Phil asks. “I thought were were going to meet back inside.”

“We need to go,” he asserts, narrowing his eyes. He holds a bag that smells like grease and a large cup of, presumably, coffee.

Phil doesn’t know what has gotten into him, but Dan looks absolutely serious, so Phil inhales and says “Fine.” They climb in, Phil at the passenger’s side and Dan in the driver’s.

Dan slams his door and locks it. “Phil,” he says in a low voice, keeping his eyes trained on the wheel. “I think there’s a man following me.”

Phil is incredulous. “A man?” he asks, frowning. “What do you mean?”

“There’s a guy that looks really sus, he followed me into Mcdonald's, didn’t buy anything, and followed me back outside. I’m serious. I think we should leave, it’s not safe.”

“Oh come on, you’re being ridiculous. Where is he?”

“Okay, don’t look now, and be subtle, like pretend you need something from the glovebox or something.”

“Where is he, Dan?”

“He’s kind of to your right, leaning against that pole over there.”

So Phil turns around slowly, and as he opens the glove box as Dan instructed, he notices the man Dan is referring to. He looks about mid-thirties, with shaggy black hair and his eyes trained to a spot right above their car.

“That guy?” Phil asks, reaching inside the box, looking for nothing. “He’s probably just hanging out here here. Maybe he’s waiting for food, or he needed to take a break from driving, like us.”

“No, he’s obviously really shady and he’s after us,” Dan retorts, his eyes growing wide. “Phil, look at us, the palest white boys in the world. We’re such easy targets. We need to get out of here.”

“I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to be driving right now, considering you’re clearly delusional.”

“I’m completely fine to drive. There’s no way I’m getting out of this car,” Dan says stubbornly. “And I mean it. I really do.”

“Dan. Grab your food and let’s go.”

“Aren’t you supposed to be the extra careful, paranoid one? What is with you, Phil?”

“What’s with me? Why are you suddenly acting afraid? Look at him, he’s just standing there. He’s harmless, I can just tell. Come on.”

“If we die today, I’m blaming you.”

“We’re not going to die, don’t be silly. Get out, Dan.” Phil closes the box and opens the door, giving Dan no choice but to follow suit. Phil grabs the box of Frosted Flakes from the backseat, and puts it into his backpack to bring it inside with him.

As soon as they step out of the car, the mysterious man walks away. Phil would not admit it, at least not at the moment, but it gives him such satisfaction to win the argument, seeing as he clearly was right. They take all of three steps away from the car, and then Phil’s backpack is yanked off of him so violently, he jumps in surprise.

Before he can turn around to see who did it, he is pulled to the ground from behind. Phil yelps, hitting the ground with a thud, and then the man Dan was worried about is standing above Phil, his foot pressing into Phil’s chest. He turns to face Dan, his shoe slowly pressing into Phil’s lungs. “I saw you had cash,” he growls to Dan. “Give it up and I’ll let your friend live.” Phil’s heart sinks. Dan was right.

Phil’s mind is completely blank, going into full panic mode. His ears are ringing, and the pressure from the man’s foot is making it difficult to breathe. He claws at it, desperate for some kind of relief.

“I have the money, just let him go, please!” Dan shouts desperately, inching closer to the scene before him.

Phil’s captor shoots up and takes his foot off of Phil’s chest, so he can breathe again. The man turns to face Dan, pulling out a gun from his pocket. Phil immediately turns so pale he’s practically a ghost.

“On your knees,” he barks at Dan. He obeys, eyes wide with terror. Phil’s blood is boiling and his body has shifted into fight-or-flight. He is not about to watch his best friend die over his own stupid mistake. He glances at Dan, who is looking into the man’s eyes with an expression that makes Phil want to throw up. He then glances at his backpack, forming a plan. A plan that could only work if his and Dan’s psychic link is up and running.

“It’s-- it’s in my backpack,” Phil stutters weakly. “The money.”

The man instantly whirls around, now pointing the gun at Phil. He holds his breath. Terror seizes him the moment he is confronted with the barrel of a pistol head-on. His heart beats wildly out of his chest, panic draining the blood out of his body.

“Where in the bag is it?” the man growls. He whips around to face the backpack, glaring at it as though he could force the money to reveal itself through sheer aggression. Phil’s mouth is completely dry.

Dan makes fearful eye contact with Phil, who is still completely frozen. Phil stares at Dan, wide-eyed, trying desperately to convey his plan. Dan ever so slowly moves his left hand to his pocket, with a question in his eyes. _Yes_ , Phil says back in his mind. _Yes_.

“Did you not hear me?” the man screams, making Phil jump in fright. “Which part of the bag is the money in?”

“The big middle section?” Phil squeaks back, practically shaking. It would only be a few more moments before the guy figured out that Phil is totally lying. Dan slowly starts backing up towards the car, and Phil follows suit. “It’s, uh, under the cereal?” Phil continues to lie, while tiptoeing towards the car. The man continues to dig, and Phil thanks his lucky stars that this guy seems to be a relatively dumb mugger, as far as criminals go. He hasn’t looked back once.

They have mere milliseconds before this could all go wrong. Their backs are pressing into the passenger’s side of Dan’s car. Dan grabs Phil’s hand, and they face each other. _Now or never_ , Dan says with his eyes. Phil nods.

In a flurry of movement, Dan yanks his car keys out of his pocket, unlocks the car, and swings the door open so fast Phil is surprised it doesn’t fall clean off. “Hey!’ the man shouts, but Dan climbs over the passenger’s seat, already putting the key into the ignition, while Phil immediately follows suit. The man tosses Phil’s bag carelessly to the side, glaring at the two of them, reaching down to presumably grab his gun again. Phil slams the door shut, but not before Dan slams the acceleration, sending them flying into the curb in front of McDonald’s.

“Fuck! We’re going forward!” He switches to reverse and once again the car speeds, this time backwards. The guy is shouting something incomprehensible. “Phil, your bag!” shouts Dan.

“Leave it!” Phil yells in response. “Go!” Dan wastes no more time, pulling the ultimate speed racer stunts as they race out of the parking lot.

In the distance, they can hear a gunshot, an enormous explosion of sound that makes Phil jump in his seat. “Holy fuck!” Dan screams. They drive down the road, just as empty as before, this time at eighty miles per hour instead of ten.

“Just keep driving!” The adrenaline pumping through Phil’s body and the fear the pulsing through his veins make him shake. His head pounds.

“I told you so!” Dan screams, foot still full force on the gas, and Phil realizes he is screaming at him. “God, I knew it! Wasn’t I right?”

“Can you please focus on preventing us from getting killed?”

“Seriously? You can’t even say I was right?”

“You’re being ridiculous, Dan!” They arrive to the on-ramp, so Dan’s driving is now appropriate for their surroundings. “Yes, you were right. Are you happy?”

“We almost just fucking died,” Dan retorts, “so no, I’m not happy at all!”

“But we didn’t,” Phil points out, running his fingers through his hair. “We’re still here.”

“That’s not the fucking point, is it?” snaps Dan. “You never listen to me, and this is where it gets us.”

Phil feels like he’s been punched in the gut. “That’s untrue! Of course I listen to you!”

“Clearly you don’t!” Dan checks the rearview mirror, as though to make sure the mugger isn’t following them. “Fuck! I left my fucking food on the curb!”

“We could get some more?” Phil suggests weakly.

“We are not leaving this car until we get to San Francisco! Or do you want to get fucking mugged again?”

Phil says nothing, though he really wants to point out the fact that he did just leave his backpack so they could escape. There was nothing particularly valuable in it, as he had put his wallet in the armrest after paying for the gas, but still. All of his clothes and his toothbrush were now gone, and they were short a box of cereal. There was a library book in it as well. “We should put our seatbelts on,” he says instead of bringing this up.

Dan scoffs, but he does it anyways. A long silence settles over the two. Phil’s body is still coming down from his high; his heart rate is still incredibly fast, but it begins to calm slightly.

“Listen, you were right,” Phil says after what seems like forever. “And I’m really sorry for not trusting you. But you always come up with excuses about how to avoid things, and I thought this was just another excuse.”

“Yeah, when it comes to stuff like homework, Phil.” Dan exhales through his teeth. “All normal teenagers do that.”

“Dan, I’m not trying to--”

“Alright, fine, I get it.” Dan interrupts. “Let’s just drop it, okay? I’m sorry.”

Phil frowns. “No, Dan, I’m sorry. You’re right, I should have just listened to you.”

The car is uncomfortably silent, the scene of the crime drifting farther and farther away. “Are we gonna call the police?” Dan asks, and Phil is grateful for the change in subject.

“What would we say? It’s not like we know the exact address of where we were.”

Dan ponders for a moment. “Maybe someone at McDonald’s did?”

“Maybe. Hopefully.” His heart rate begins to slow down significantly. “We make a good team,” says Phil.

“I guess we do,” Dan agrees. “We’re practically the same person, so that helps.”

“This is true.” Phil smiles. “Dan, are we good?”

He drums his fingers on the steering wheel. “Yeah. Of course.” His words feel like a promise.

Phil is starting to realize how tired he is, now that he isn’t completely freaking out. Dan must be feeling the exact same way. “You sure you don’t want to stop somewhere and get some rest?” he asks, and right on cue, he yawns.

“I am exhausted,” Dan says. “Can we risk it?”

“I mean, what are the odds it’ll happen again?”

“Knowing us, they’re probably really high.”

Phil laughs. “I like our chances.” And he means every word of it.

 

\--

 

Dan never thought that Phil would actually have the guts to go through with it all, which is why he assumed he didn’t have anything to worry about. They had talked about girls a few times, usually coming to the conclusion that it wasn’t worth it to even try because they were all either out of their league or too dissimilar or all style and no substance or a million other completely bullshit reasons.

But there was one girl, starting from the first day of sophomore year, that Phil would not stop talking about. Her name was Angelina, and she and Phil had AP World History together. She had beautiful long brown hair and matching brown eyes, and she was nice and funny and Phil had practically fallen in love from day one. It kind of bugged Dan a little bit that Phil would talk about her whenever the two of them hung out, but he would never say that out loud. He didn’t want to sound rude and unsupportive of his friend. Besides, he might be forced to explain exactly why it bugged him, and he was definitely not ready to have that conversation.

There was a night over the summer that Dan spent on the internet, trying his best to figure out what was going on in his head, if there was something wrong with him, if it was normal to feel heart palpitations and chest constrictions while looking at your best friend. He didn’t like any of the answers he had found. He wasn’t stupid, he knew what it meant. He just was having a hard time admitting it.

One lunch period, Phil bounded towards the group in an excited frenzy, looking eager.

“What’s got you in such a happy mood?” PJ asked.

“Guess who has two thumbs and just got asked to Winter Formal?”

Dan’s heart instantly sank. This could not be happening.

“You?” Louise guessed, grinning.

Phil broke into a smile that could practically change the world. He had a glimmer in his eyes that Dan didn’t fully recognize, making his heart practically stop beating. Phil nodded. The group immediately burst into a chorus of congratulations. Dan forced his praise bitterly off of his tongue, barely managing to spit it out.

Phil explained that Angelina casually asked him after class, because she didn’t want to make an extravagant ordeal out of it. She knew how much Phil disliked being the center of attention, after all.

Their group originally planned on going together, but then Phil had a date, and a few days later Louise had one too. Dan decided to opt out of going. It was too much. Everything about this was too much.

But if a simple school dance was too much for Dan, that was nothing compared to the rest of the year. Because Winter Formal turned into a first date which turned into a second date which turned into the two of them changing their relationship statuses on Facebook which turned into their three month anniversary. Dan went through an entire pint of ice cream that night, after hanging up with Phil on FaceTime, who was trying to decide the perfect outfit for his fancy three month dinner. When his mom asked him what was wrong, he just mumbled and said he was really hungry. Dan suspected that she knew better.

It was wonderful to see Phil so happy. It really was. But it hurt more, because Phil had never been that happy when he was with Dan, because it felt like Phil was moving on in his life and leaving Dan behind, because Dan was losing his best friend. But it would have been selfish to tell Phil the truth about how he felt. He couldn’t possibly take the best thing in Phil’s life away from him. Just because Phil was lucky didn’t mean Dan should make him feel guilty about it. After all, Dan could have easily just fucking _told_ Phil, but he didn’t, and now it was way too late.

Three months turned into four months turned into five and Dan was left wondering if there really was something wrong with him, if he was behind in life. Louise had a boyfriend, Will, who was charming and smiley, and Phil was happy, and Dan had never felt more empty inside. Maybe he needed a girlfriend too. But he couldn’t think of a single girl he actually knew that he fancied enough. In fact, ever since Phil started dating Angelina and they had stopped their occasional conversations about random girls, Dan hadn’t thought about dating at all. He knew that something had to be seriously wrong with him.

Then again, what would be the point of dating, anyways? You find someone, you go on some dates, and then you eventually break up. It was pointless.

In fact, everything seemed pointless to Dan these days. As the year drew to a close, he began to notice his grades were slipping. He used to have study sessions with Phil before tests, but when he started preparing for the AP exam with Angelina all the time, leaving Dan without a study partner, he lost all motivation. Besides, he didn’t have any AP tests to study for, while Phil had two: World History and Human Geography. It would have been basically cruel of Dan to ask Phil to help him on his dumb regular subjects or even chemistry, the one class they had together. It was better to just leave him to his own devices and make sure he got the space he needed to prepare for his tests. That was partly his excuse for not doing his homework that much anymore, but it didn’t help that he was getting tired of school, of the monotony of working on pointless material all the time.

None of it really mattered, anyways. When would he ever use this stuff in real life? How could he possibly know that anyway? Did anything he do matter at all?

Dan started to slip away from the world. Phil became less and less present in his life, and Dan became less and less present in his own. And that scared him more than he could admit.

 

\--

 

The world seems fuzzy for a few moments, but clarity returns, and Phil is suddenly jolted awake. He wasn’t supposed to fall asleep-- he promised Dan he would stay awake and keep watch of the car. After much wrangling, Dan agreed to park at a rest stop and actually sleep for a bit while Phil stayed up to make sure no one else would try to mug them. Dan had still been very shaken up about it, and Phil knew that having him continue to drive without getting any sleep was a recipe for disaster. This plan wasn’t ideal, and it clearly didn’t even work since Phil accidentally fell asleep and failed his duties.

Phil does his best to make himself seem like he has been awake this entire time, and gently nudges Dan. “Hey, sleepyhead,” he greets in a whisper.

Dan groggily opens his eyes. He is especially soft when he’s like this, just barely registering the world, when his guard is down he doesn’t care that his hair is curly. Phil thinks it looks better that way anyways. “Hey,” Dan replies, smiling sleepily.

“Ready to keep driving?”

“Give me some coffee, then we’ll talk.”

They drive to the closest stop, which happens to be a Wendy’s. They use the drive thru, wary of having to leave the car. With food now at the ready, they’re much more energized. The excitement is increasing as well, as the signs on the side of the freeway inform them that the number of miles until San Francisco is rapidly decreasing.

A few more hours of sunny driving, and the Bay Bridge is in their sight. Dan sings with joy, eager to step out of the car and actually discover the city, and Phil is happy that Dan is happy. The two of them cross the bridge and they’re in San Francisco proper. Steep hills and blocks upon blocks of commuter traffic greet them, and Dan gives Phil his phone so he can look up a “real” place to get breakfast. Phil personally thinks all coffee pretty much tastes the same, but Dan is adamant that if they go to a local cafe, paying extra for a latte is worth it.

After a long struggle involving Dan attempting to parallel park on a hill, getting honked at by three different cars (“Now you know how I feel!” Phil exclaimed), and giving up to find a parking garage, they find themselves in a cute coffee shop overlooking the bay. They split an overpriced coffee cake and get their own drinks. It’s just gone ten in the morning, but it still feels late, as though they’ve been awake for days. Not eight hours ago they were getting mugged by an insane person, not four hours ago they were both passed out in the car under the fluorescent light of a rest stop. Stuff like this could really only happen to the two of them, Phil thinks.

“Glad I can cross this one off the bucket list,” says Dan, leaning back in his chair. “It’s beautiful here.”

“Agreed.” Phil knows Dan has a list of places he wants to visit, some close to home, some far away. Japan is one of those places; he and Phil have practically planned out their entire trip, if they were to go together. In the meantime, they sedate themselves with the Little Tokyo in Los Angeles, but it’s not quite the same.

It’s a short walk to Fisherman’s Warf, where they stroll through the boardwalks, and pay a visit to the pier the famous seals congregate near. Dan complains that it’s a bit too touristy, but Phil delights in the ridiculous noises they make, and how cute and so, so fat they are.

Phil notices Dan’s eyelids are drooping, and he worries. There’s not a lot he can do about it, they’re here now and they have to power through the exhaustion. But still, it breaks his heart a bit. Dan deserves to visit the city of his dreams while he’s actually awake to enjoy it. Maybe they can come back over the summer, after an actually well-thought-out plan.

They spend the day getting lost amongst the narrow and crowded streets, going into random shops, and eating ice cream despite the chilly air around them. If Dan thought the Warf was kitschy, Union Square does its best to make it seem like a local’s paradise. Phil drags him to the windows of Tiffany’s, and into the biggest Macy’s he’s ever seen. They both buy sweatshirts from a sidewalk vendor because instead of getting warmer through the day, it only gets colder.

Somehow, they find themselves in North End, but not on purpose, and they split a really greasy pizza. At one point, a homeless man starts stalking them down the pavement, and they start walking faster, not wanting a repeat of their earlier incident. Dan grabs Phil’s hand and pulls him close against his side, and they quickly turn the next corner they find, and they don’t stop or let go for at least two more blocks, until it feels safe to turn around. Luckily the guy doesn’t follow them, and somewhat unluckily, Dan laughs uneasily and turns beet red and hastily pulls his hands from Phil’s. “That was close,” he breathes, eyes wide.

The moments are individually special, but the day moves quickly. After an hour-long struggle to find their car, in which Dan yells at Phil for his horrible navigation skills, and Phil yells at Dan for trying to steal the phone and do it himself, causing heads to turn, they make it back to the parking garage. Dan groans at the cost, but Phil assures him it was worth it, and they drive to a park so they can have a good view of the sunset. On the way, they stop for sandwiches and more coffee.

It’s getting even colder, and though Phil thought ahead and brought a jacket with him, Dan did not. Phil doesn’t put his jacket on in solidarity, instead using it as a picnic blanket for the two of them to sit on the grass in the middle of a hill. Surrounding them are families, couples, homeless people, tourists, people with different lives and experiences, all sitting together. There are so many people here who all have a story to tell, and Phil is just one of them. It makes him think. If he were to look back on the story of his life so far, what would he see? A weird kid with niche interests and not many friends, still struggling to fit in, forced to move across the world, who didn’t know the move was a blessing in disguise. The story of his life wouldn’t just involve him, it would have to include his best friend as well. He has only known Dan for four years, but it feels like a lifetime.

“What do you think I should do with my life?” Dan asks out of the blue, resting his hands on the grass.

“Huh?” Phil eloquently replies.

“Well, you’re going to uni, I’m not, right? I gotta find something to do. Some career options.”

Phil scoffs. The topic of Phil leaving and Dan staying is not something Dan likes to bring up a lot, for obvious reasons. “Wow, Howell, since when were you so concerned with the future?”

“I dunno, since now, shut up.” He smiles, revealing his dimples. Phil resists the urge to poke them.

“Well, you could do anything you want,” Phil says. “The possibilities are endless, really.”

“Be serious. What do you think I should do?”

“I think you could be a model.”

Dan splutters, covering his mouth with his sweater paws. “A what?” he asks through a muffled sleeve.

Phil grins. “You’ve always been into fashion and stuff. It would give you an excuse to get all the expensive clothes you want but can’t have. Plus, you’d be great on camera.”

“How do you know that?”

“I just have a feeling. Being introverted doesn’t mean being camera shy.”

Dan rolls his eyes. “Well, models are typically, like, attractive, so...”

“What are you talking about? Of course you’re attractive.” Phil turns slightly red, but he’s already saying it, no use in trying to pretend he doesn’t believe it. “You’re attractive, and photogenic, and you have the kind of face people are drawn to.”

“Christ Phil, stop saying that.” His voice grows quieter now.

“Why? It’s the truth.”

“You’re just saying that because you’re my best friend and you have to.” They were sort of joking with each other before, but now Dan’s tone is serious and his eyes are almost sad.

“I most certainly am not,” Phil protests. Dan looks at the sky. “You are, objectively and subjectively, one of the prettiest people I have ever met, and yes I am biased, but it doesn’t matter.”

Dan forces out a shallow laugh. “Okay, geez, I get it, you sap.”

This response does not satisfy Phil, however. “Dan,” he says forcefully, and turns Dan’s head so they face each other directly.

“What?” Dan asks.

“You are beautiful.” It is a promise; it is an assurance.

A small breath escapes Dan’s lips. “Thank you,” he says. Phil can’t tell if he believes it or not. Phil can’t tell if he understands the subtext.

Later, the sun disappears and it gets even colder, so people begin to leave. Dan and Phil make no motion to go, continuing to sit on the hill, sharing a jacket, pressed close together because it’s windy and so, so damn cold. Maybe because they’re too lazy to start the trek back to the car. Probably, it’s because they both know they’re starting to run out of moments like this.

“The car might get towed if we leave it there,” Dan eventually states. “So...”

They reluctantly stand and walk back to the car, using Phil’s phone to navigate. They stay close to each other as they try to keep warm. They can see their breath in front of them, and still Phil refuses to put his jacket on.

When they finally reach the car, Dan eagerly puts on the heater, sighing in relief. They don’t start the drive for another five minutes, bathing in the warmth leaking through the car’s air vents.

“So what do you think?” asks Phil, rubbing his hands together. “Could you live here?”

Dan frowns. “Maybe. One day.”

“Me too,” Phil answers, grinning.

“Today kind of felt like a dream.”

Phil’s smile grows even wider, if that’s possible. “Yeah. Yeah it did.”

 

\--

 

Nothing ever, ever seemed to turn out the way Dan thought it would. He thought he would have to spend his life in solitude, wandering the hallways alone. But two weeks before the end of sophomore year, Phil broke up with his girlfriend and spent every day until the end of the school year in Dan’s room, lying on the floor being sad. Dan would comfort him and use that as an excuse to fall even more behind in his studying. Phil, it seemed, didn’t need to study to get good marks. In fact, even under the emotional stress and heartbreak, he still managed to ace all of his finals.

Dan, however, was not as lucky. After school was done and everyone’s report cards came in the mail, Dan realized he had fallen behind. His parents gave him a very stern lecture that night about the dangers of procrastination and apathy and attributed his Cs and Ds to the gratuitous amount of time he spent playing video games instead of doing homework.

“Why don’t you study with Phil anymore?” they asked.

“We’re not in the same classes,” Dan explained.

“That doesn’t matter,” his mum countered, frowning. “You don’t have to work on the same material to be helpful study partners for each other. How are Phil’s grades anyways?”

“I don’t know, mum,” Dan grumbled. But he did know, they were absolutely perfect, just like everything else about Phil. “Does it matter?”

“No, it was just a question.”

It was difficult to think about something so trivial as a report card, however, when there were far more pressing things on Dan’s mind. Phil was heartbroken. Phil was also single. Dan absolutely hated himself for thinking like that, but it was something that crossed his mind every time he went to Phil’s place over the summer to play Mario Kart or when the two of them went for Chinese food and a movie. It would have been easy to say something, now that it seemed like Phil was back to being in his life as a permanent fixture again.

But there were also problems that could arise from it, namely being the small factor of Phil needing to actually like Dan back in order for it all to work. He remembered how it felt to not have Phil as a constant reassuring presence in his life; if he were to somehow mess up their reignited friendship by crossing a line and admitting his feelings, he didn’t know how he could deal with himself. Besides, confessing to a crush and outing himself at the same time? That seemed like far too daunting of a task to handle. And it would be cruel of him to take advantage of Phil’s fragility, with the fresh wounds of a breakup still open. Having Phil in his life as a friend was better than not having him at all, so he bit his tongue and purged his mind of thoughts of dinner dates and hand holding and other things.

Tonight was one of those nights where Dan felt as though he was physically restraining himself from revealing the truth. For Dan’s sixteenth, he invited his friends over for a movie marathon and pizza. He had been seeing Chris and PJ on a semi regular basis, but it had been a while since he had seen Louise, who brought her boyfriend to Dan’s party. He seemed nice enough, and the group approved of him.

His best friends all sat in various states of tiredness across his living room, _High School Musical_ playing softly on the TV. Dan and Phil sat on the couch, cuddling under a blanket, barely listening to the current intense debate regarding the best movie out of the HSM trilogy. Despite being just friends, the intimacy of their relationship was unquestionable. The sound of Phil’s heartbeat pounding gently next to Dan’s ear was enough to potentially lull him to sleep, but luckily he had enough sense to stay awake at his own party.

When Dan’s mum came into the room to announce that the cake was ready, she caught Dan’s eye and raised her eyebrows. He had guessed that she suspected something, but she had never really asked. Dan wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not. In order to brush it off like it wasn’t a big deal, he frowned at her as though to say, _What? What is it?_ The moment quickly passed. But it still made Dan think. Phil was always the person he talked to about personal things, but who could he talk to when they were about Phil?

Eventually all of Dan’s party guests left, except for Phil, and the two of them sat in Dan’s room, going through his presents. Dan felt sleepy, and he felt happy. Things in Dan’s life were beginning to feel homely, like he could actually be enjoying living in America more than he thought he would. It wasn’t perfect, and he still missed his old flat, but he had wonderful friends, the dog, Colin, and Phil.

“Dan, we need to talk,” Phil said, interrupting Dan’s musings. Phil sat cross legged on the floor whilst Dan lay flat across his bed.

“What about?” Dan’s heart started to race. Was Phil about to--

“I saw your report card on the kitchen counter.”

Oh. Dan’s face immediately turned a fine shade of pink. “Why were you snooping in my stuff?” he attempts to joke, but it doesn’t exactly come across that way.

“I didn’t mean to,” Phil explained. “It was just right there and I needed to get some water and I saw it. That’s not the point. What happened, Dan?”

“Nothing,” insisted Dan, frowning. “Why are we even talking about this? It’s summer.”

“Because it’s important. Grades can make or break your university apps. They’re not everything, of course. But still, Dan. You need to start thinking ahead.”

Dan felt a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. Was everyone else already thinking about the future and college and life? “It was only a bit of a rough patch,” said Dan weakly.

“Dan, look, I know I’m not your mum, and I’m not trying to be either. But you need to understand that grades matter, at least a little bit.” Phil’s gaze looked almost pitying, as though Dan was a lost and helpless soul.

Dan went on the defensive. “Why are you suddenly interested in my grades?”

“Because, I care about you and I don’t want to watch you fail. You know you need to pass all your classes to graduate, right?” Phil asked, sounding almost exhausted.

“Yes, I am aware,” Dan spat. “But it’s not like I’m failing anything. It’s not perfect straight A’s like you, but it’s not a failure either.”

“This isn’t about me,” Phil argued back. “This is about you, and your future. Universities look at your grades, Dan. The ones in America and the ones in England, and whichever one you decide to go to is going to take them into account. You have to think about that.”

Dan’s voice became small. “I don’t care about uni or admittance or any of that stuff. I never have.”

“Well maybe it’s about time that you did.” Phil leaned against the wall.

“Why?” asked Dan, crossing his arms. “Why does it matter?”

“It matters because you’re my best friend and I hate seeing you drowning in a cycle of apathy and self-pity,” answered Phil, his voice rising. “Take charge of your life for a change!”

“Self-pity? Really?” Dan’s stomach began to churn. He shot up, standing above where Phil sat. “You’re the one who cried to me about how sad your life was for a solid two weeks!” Dan didn’t think he was actually going to bring Phil’s breakup, of all things, into this, but that’s exactly what he did.

“That’s different!” Phil stood to face Dan.

“How?”

“What I did was my choice! I was upset, but I don’t pity myself!”

“Oh, but I do?” Now Dan was really starting to feel like he needed to vomit.

“Yes, you do.” Phil took a step closer to Dan, his tone much more calm. “You tell yourself it’s not worth it to try because you say you’re not good enough but you are, and you don’t seem to see that.”

“Phil,” Dan spoke, his voice barely audible, “you really don’t understand.”

“Then make me understand.”

By now their noses were almost touching. Blood rushed to Dan’s face, and he felt like the wind had been knocked out of him. All he had wanted to do for almost a solid year now was just grab his face and kiss him and kiss every single inch of his face like in a romcom and _holy shit why am I thinking about that at a time like this what the fuck_ \--

“What’s happening?” whispered Phil.

“I don’t know,” Dan answered, and he wanted to do it so bad. The thought of kissing Phil made him dizzy, and he staggered backwards. His head started to pound.

“Are you okay?” he heard Phil ask, but it sounded far away. Dan couldn’t seem to form coherent thoughts, everything was jumbled. “Dan, hey, listen. I’m sorry, okay?” Phil grabbed Dan’s hand and stabilized him, and he had to squeeze his eyes shut in concentration. His mind repeated _don’t kiss Phil don’t kiss Phil don’t kiss Phil_ over and over again and Dan dimly wondered if maybe he had accidentally said it out loud.

“What I said was beyond out of line,” Phil continued. “It’s not my place to go around reading your report card unsolicited, okay? I realize that now. I have no right to be attempting to control what you do with your life.” Dan held his breath. “But I meant what I said. You have so much potential. You are good enough to do anything you put your mind to. But you first have to put your mind to it, okay?” Dan’s mouth was dry. He couldn’t form words in response, so he nodded. Phil pulled him into a hug. “No matter what, you’re my best friend, and it’s going to stay that way forever.”

 _Stay that way forever. Right._ “Okay,” Dan managed to breathe. “I’m sorry for yelling.”

“That’s okay,” Phil said into Dan’s shoulder. “It’s good to let it out now and again, yeah?”

“You didn’t deserve it.”

“Don’t talk like that. Look at me.”

Phil broke the hug, and Dan faced Phil, trying desperately to control his breathing. He could barely even register that he had almost just kissed Phil, right in the middle of an argument no less. What the hell was wrong with him?

“Are we good?” Phil asked expectantly, his hands on Dan’s shoulders.

 _No._ “Yeah.”

“Okay then. Hug me back, you moron.”

Dan obeyed, squeezing his eyes shut. He knew that something had to change. Phil was absolutely right, his self-pity was getting the better of him, and it was honestly pathetic. He had to start working on a way to grow out of whatever it was he felt towards Phil. It didn’t matter how long it would take, just as long as Dan could eventually reach a day where he was absolutely, completely _not_ in love with his best friend.

 

\--

 

Dan drives aimlessly for a while, completely lost, with Phil snacking from the bag of kettle corn they’d brought with. Dan pulls into a gas station on the side of the road even though the tank isn’t close to being empty yet.

Phil doesn’t know everything, but he does know that this day has been pretty perfect, and he wants Dan to know that he cares about him so, so much. Dan is still filling up, so Phil gets out and stands next to him. It’s all he can do to not lace their hands together, because it’s late and the weather isn’t so cold under fluorescent lights. “Hey,” Phil says. An idea is starting to form in his head. It’s kind of crazy and it may not end well but there are no rules anymore and he thinks maybe he can pull it off. “You tired?”

“We’re not sleeping in a rest stop again,” says Dan firmly. “Or anywhere, for that matter. I’m driving tonight.”

“You didn’t answer my question. You’re tired?”

“Exhausted.”

“Let me drive.”

Dan looks completely taken aback. “You’re funny,” he finally answers, taking out the pump.

“I’m being serious, I feel really awake, I can do it.”

“Phil, you can’t. You’ll get us killed.”

“I promise I’ll be okay.”

“This is not up for debate,” Dan declares. “Get back in the car.”

“Give me the keys. I’m driving.”

“Where would you even drive to?” he protests.

“Well, it’s not like you know where we’re going either.”

“Phil...” Dan looks at him, conveying with all his might that this is a bad idea. But Phil is stubborn as always.

“Do you trust me?”

“No,” Dan answers. Phil glares at him.

“Okay, that was uncalled for.”

“What? You asked. Remember what happened last time you didn’t listen to me?”

“Dan.”

“Fine, I trust you. Let’s go before I change my mind.”

Phil hops in delight and takes the keys. Ironically, Dan was the one who taught Phil how to drive on the freeway, in this very car, but still, it’s been a while. As he backs out of the gas station he realizes that, okay, maybe this isn’t the best idea he’s ever had. But he’s committing.   

Dan curls up into the passenger’s seat, and at a red light Phil pulls out his phone and does a quick Google Maps search. He’s done this before, because Dan talked about it once, but he has to double check to make sure he knows for sure. He confirms the route and puts his phone away just as the light turns green. “Get some sleep, bear.” He hasn’t used the somewhat-childish nickname in a while but it seems appropriate.

“Good night,” Dan replies groggily. He leans against the window and begins to drift off. Phil turns onto the freeway and with that his plan is in action. Turns out that at night, when there are far less people on the road, Phil is a much better driver than normal. Plus, being with Dan helps him feel more relaxed, even though Dan’s not there for conversation at the moment. But still, he feels more at ease with him.

Out of the corner of his eye, he watches Dan yawn and Phil smiles to himself. There are a lot of things Phil wishes he could tell Dan, but he hopes that maybe this gesture will say at least some of them.

 

Phil totally doesn’t mean to, it’s a complete accident, but he swerves very suddenly to avoid hitting the semi in front of them and Dan jolts awake. “Ohmygodwhatishappening,” he slurs.

“Sorry,” Phil whispers, and he cringes. He’s actually been doing such a good job so far with the driving, way better than he normally is in fact. This one slip-up has seemingly put him back in his place.

“What happened?” Dan asks, rubbing his eyes.

“Nothing.”

“What time is it?”

Phil glances at the clock. “Just gone three.”

“In the morning?”

“In the morning,” Phil confirms. “Go back to sleep.”

“Well, I’m awake now, aren’t I?” he mumbles.

“You sure you don’t wanna sleep?”

“No, I can’t anymore. Do you wanna switch though?”

“Nah, I’ll be okay,” Phil answers, though the offer is tempting. “You could keep me entertained though. I’ve been a lonely driver.”

“I’ve been here this whole time.”

“It’s hard to talk to something that won’t talk back.”

“Okay, fair.” Dan fully sits up, reaching behind him to grab his bag. “So, what did you wanna do then?”

“I dunno, we could, like...” Phil glances out the window in search of inspiration. “We could play I spy?”

“It’s completely dark outside, Phillip. What do we have to spy?”

“Inside the car, maybe?”

“No,” answers Dan firmly. “Next suggestion.”

“Tell me a story?”

“Haven’t got any left.”

Phil pauses for a moment. “Truth or dare?”

Dan groans. “What are we, fourteen?”

“The fun of truth or dare is timeless!” protests Phil. “And all the dares will be mild, because they’re in the confines of the car.”

“I’d rather do I spy,” Dan mutters.

“Come on. If you were really my friend, you’d do it.”

Dan scoffs. This isn’t the first time he’s heard that weak of an argument from him. “Whatever, fine. You start.”

“Good. Truth or dare?”

“Truth.”

“Why are you so boring?”

“Did I ask to be bullied in my own car?”

“Too bad,” Phil retorts. “I’m driving.”

“Okay, truth or dare?”

“Dare.”

“I dare you to stop playing this.”

“No! Take this seriously!” Phil commands, and Dan laughs. “Truth or dare.”

“Fine,” Dan says, officially giving in. “Dare.”

“Okay, I dare you to... chug an entire water bottle in five seconds, like in those videos.”

“That’s the least exciting thing I’ve ever heard.”

“Do it!”

“Whatever.” He grabs a bottle from the bag and opens it. Phil cheers him on as Dan gulps the entire thing, and laughs when he spills some onto his shirt.

“Now,” Dan announces. “I dare you to chug my red bull so you can stay awake.”

“Ew, that stuff is gross.”

“Too bad,” says Dan, wiggling his eyebrows. “Dare’s a dare.”

Dan reaches into his magical bag of snacks to procure a can of the stuff and cracks it open for Phil. He takes one look at it and grimaces. He puts it up to his lips while controlling the gas pedal and takes a sip, nearly choking. “No way,” he declares, handing it back. “It tastes like Satan’s asshole.”

“Too bad, you came up with the game so you have to do as I say.”

“Fuck off, it’s three AM. Normal people don’t drink red bull at three AM.” But he can’t argue with him, so he does. He can’t quite chug it as Dan requested but he knocks a bit off before pushing it away. “Finish it, if you want.”

“Oh, I’m good,” says Dan. “I would never willingly drink this stuff.”

“Then why’d you bring it?”

“For a situation like this.”

Phil rolls his eyes. “What, for torturing me?”

“No, for driving late at night. Or early in the morning, I guess. Your turn”

“Truth or dare?”

“Dare, I suppose.”

Phil inhales. He has an idea, one he knows this is not his best, but he wants to do it anyways. “I dare you to check your grades.”

“What?”

“Dare’s a dare,” Phil repeats. Dan bites his lip.

“This is different.”

“How?”

“This is basically my entire future.”

“Which is why you need to check them, Dan.”

“Whatever happened to this being a school-free zone?” he whines.

“Well, I have used my magical powers to lift that ban. You have to.”

“Fine.” Phil wasn’t sure he’d actually do it, but Dan pulls out his phone. Phil forces himself to concentrate on the road. “Right,” he announces. “The foreseeable future rests on this moment. Let’s see...” He pauses to scroll. “In Stats, I got... an eighty flat on the final. I’m keeping my C minus!”

“Yay!”

“Drama... okay, I have over a hundred percent, no surprise there. Oh my god, what? I managed to raise my english grade all the way up to a B minus after turning in all my missing assignments and with my final.”

“I told you so.”

“Fuck, Phil. Oh my god, I’m not failing Econ anymore.”

“You’re not?”  
“Nope, and I... I passed my Psych final too! I’m not failing that either!”

“I knew you could do it Dan, this is such great news.” Phil’s heart is swelling up with pride. He just knows this was meant to be and everything is perfect and everything is going to turn out okay.

“You know what this means, right?”

“With hard work you can achieve anything?”

“No, idiot. It means I’m graduating. Phil, I’m gonna graduate!”

Phil breaks into a grin. He was exhausted, but now he feels overwhelmed with pride and joy, feeling so much happiness for his best friend. “Oh my god, you’re gonna graduate, Dan!”

“Look at me now, haters!” he whoops. “They said it couldn’t be done!”

Phil rolls his eyes while smiling unbearably. “Don’t get cocky now. We have yet to actually walk across the stage.”

“Excuse you, I have every right to be cocky right now. I deserve this.”

“Fine, whatever.”

It gets quiet again. Dan stares wistfully out the window, and Phil can totally tell he’s smiling. “Hey, Phil?”

“What’s up?”

“Where are we?”

“The middle of nowhere?” Phil responds, shrugging. “I’m not exactly sure, to be honest. Check the location on my phone.”

Dan unlocks Phil’s phone and messes around with some apps. Phil concentrates as best as he can on the road ahead, but he’s also giddy for Dan to realize where they’re going.

“It looks like we’re in... a city called Weed? Where the fuck is Weed?”

“Here, I suppose.”

“I didn’t even know this was a real place,” Dan says, glancing back down at the phone. “Have you just been driving aimlessly for hours?’

“No.”

“Am I being kidnapped? On a road trip that was my own idea? How cruel.”

“Definitely not. Don’t worry, you’re gonna like where we’re headed.”

Dan stares out the window again. They pass lone dark field after lone dark field for a while. Eventually, a sign zooms by that catches Dan’s attention. “Did that sign say fifty miles until the Oregon border, or am I hallucinating?”

“Surprise?”

“Wait what?” Dan asks frantically, turning to look out the window again. “Where are we?”

“Weed, California?”

“We’re going to Oregon?”

“Not exactly. Think farther North.”

Dan ponders for a moment. Then, his face lights up. “Are we actually going where I think we’re going?”

“That depends,” Phil replies, smiling. “Where do you think we’re going?”

Dan’s answer is almost a whisper, shining with excitement. “Are we going to Seattle?”

Phil just smiles. Dan almost screams with joy. It’s another one of the cities that has been on Dan’s list. It’s the kind of place that seems slightly feasible, since it’s on the same coast as them, but still too far away to be realistically obtained. But Phil is the king of making dreams come true.

“Phil? Are you serious?” Dan’s face shines with something that makes Phil want to drop everything and run away with him forever.

“It wouldn’t have been a proper trip without a final destination like Seattle. You’ve always wanted to go. I figured, why not now?”

“Philip, you are an absolute wonder.”

“I try.”

Dan rubs his eyes and leans his head against the window, seemingly entranced by the semi in the lane next to them. “Not that you aren’t the best trip mate ever, but would you be offended if I went back to sleep?” he asks. “Now that I know where we’re going.”

“Not at all, you need the rest,” says Phil. “I’ll be fine.”

Dan yawns in response, putting his headphones back in. With that, Dan is dead to the world once more, and Phil is left to his thoughts. He vows that one day, somehow, he’ll travel the world with Dan. Not just mindlessly scrolling on Google Earth together, not just in their dreams, like they’ve talked about before, but for real.

 

\--

The first day of junior year was a flurry of hugs, locker slams, and schedule exchanges. Dan, Phil, and Chris were all lucky enough to get lockers in the same hall, so they walked to their respective lockers together to transfer textbooks and decorations to their new homes.

It was hard to ignore the fact that Dan could have stopped going to school, had he still lived in England, but it wasn’t as though he could do anything about it now. Besides, his strong desire to flee America as soon as he graduated was starting to fade day by day. The main (and, to be honest, only) reason for this was standing next to him, attaching his lock to the door of his new loker.

“Feels good to be back, doesn’t it?” Phil sighed to himself as he piled in his books. “New year and all that.”

“Couldn’t agree less,” replied Dan, rolling his eyes. “Nerd.”

“What’s wrong with liking the first day of school?” Phil protested.

“Nothing, you’re just a weirdo.”

“I second that,” Chris concurred. “By the way, nice fox shirt. Did your mom pick it out?"

“What?” Phil responded, raising an eyebrow. Dan didn’t want to be possessive, but having someone else exchange teasing quips with Phil made his stomach turn uncomfortably, especially considering it wasn’t tasteful.

“Just saying.” Chris propped a leg against the doors, inspecting his nails. “Homo,” hu scoffed under his breath, almost too quiet for a passerby to hear.

“Excuse me?” Dan retaliated, instantly flaring with anger and crossing his arms.

“What?” defended Chris, putting his hands up in defense. “It was a joke.”

“Yeah, and it wasn’t funny. Apologize,” demanded Dan. The world began to tun slightly red.

“Dan, it’s fine,” Phil attempted to reason, but Dan wouldn’t hear it.

“No, it’s not.” The two of them made eye contact for a moment, and Phil looked desperately like he was trying to get Dan to stop this argument, but Dan was determined to stand his ground. “That wasn’t cool, Chris.”

“Oh, you’ve got a problem?” You get to make fun of him but I don’t? You don’t own him.”

“It’s not endearing when your jokes are offensive.” Dan balled his hands into fists.

“Leave it, Dan,” insisted Phil.

“I see,” Chris sneered. “Have you two finally gotten together or something?”

Dan’s face immediately turned beet red. “No,” he managed to stutter, God, was he that fucking obvious? He began to feel pathetic, turning to face Chris fully so he wouldn’t have to look Phil in the eyes. “What, are you jealous?”

"Not at all. Happy for you, even." He smirked.

“Fuck off, Chris,” Dan spat.

“See you in period three remedial algebra,” he taunted back, slinking off down the hallway, laughing to himself.

“God, what a dick,” Dan muttered as soon as Chris was out of earshot, turning to face Phil. “Since when has he been so mean?”

“Since forever?” Phil suggested, shrugging.

"Yeah, but it's never been that bad."

 

Phil closed his locker and sighed. “You know I don’t mind you making fun of me, right?” he asked. He sounded almost exasperated, which hurt.

“I know.” Dan tried to make his tone sound flat instead of embittered, but rage was still pulsing through his veins.

“And you don’t have to protect me all the time.”

“I know. You’re welcome, by the way,” Dan said sarcastically.  

“Thanks.” Phil sounded equally ironic.

“I’m just saying.” Dan inhaled. “Being gay shouldn’t be used as an insult, that’s all.”

“I agree, Dan. But you were kind of harsh to him.”

“Well, it’s not my fault he’s an asshole.” Every word felt like knife wounds in his heart. Fighting with Phil, even over something as trivial as this, made him feel like a bit of his soul was dying. But then again, maybe this wasn’t that trivial at all.

“He’s our friend,” Phil argued. “You need to apologize to him.”

“Only if he does first.”

“I don’t need him to say sorry to me,” Phil insisted. _I need him to_ , Dan thought. “Besides, I have you to be my bodyguard.”

“Christ, Phil. Next time I’ll stand there like a limp fish and watch you take it.”

“Next time, you’ll listen to me when I tell you to back off.” Phil looked into Dan’s eyes, as though he were searching for something.

Dan crossed his arms. “Fine,” he finally scowled. “I’m sorry.” But he wasn’t. Chris got what he deserved.

“You better say it like you mean it when you tell that to Chris.”

“Fuck off, Phil,” he muttered, rolling his eyes.

“Thank you, Dan.” Phil grabbed his hand and pulled him close.

“For what?” he asked.

“Being my best friend.”

Dan pondered for a moment. “I regret it.”

“No, you don’t.” A glimmer of a smile peeked through Phil’s serious facade.

“Yeah, I guess I don’t.” It was worth noting that Phil was still holding Dan’s hand, so it was hard for Dan to focus on anything.

“I mean it. Thank you for defending me,” said Phil, squeezing his hand. “Thank you for being someone I can count on.”

“Okay, you dork. Can I go to my locker now?”

Phil smiled and let go of Dan’s hand. “Promise you’ll apologize to Chris later?” he asked.

“Yes, _Dad_ , God.” Dan, however, had no plans of doing so. He hated lying to Phil, but come on. Chris did not deserve an apology and Dan knew it. Maybe Phil still wanted to tolerate him, but Dan was done pretending to like him just for the sake of appearances. Chris had never been a good friend to anyone in their group, and always seemed to pull shit like this, making immature and horrible jokes at the expense of his so-called friends. This was the final straw.

Phil was his best friend, through thick and thin, and so help anyone who tried to tear them down.

 

\--

 

The sun rises and Phil’s eyes are struggling to stay open, burdened with the responsibility of driving and concentrating for long periods of time--two things his body was definitely not meant to do. He is also starting to feel the unfriendly effects of motion sickness. He gently shoves Dan awake, whispering to him that there’s a pretty sunrise he can’t miss. Dan glances at the clock and grumbles about the time but gazes out the window nonetheless. “It’s beautiful,” he breathes.

The sun comes up and the car is silent. Eventually it’s actually getting bright out, and Phil yawns for the millionth time. “How close are we?” asks Dan.

“Check the phone.”

“Ugh, another five and a half hours?” Dan complains, leaning his head on the glove box.

“Well, it’s gonna be worth it.”

“I know.” He checks his phone for a few moments. “Do you think we should stop for breakfast?”

“Don’t see why not.”

They find a place where they can go inside to eat, taking the opportunity to switch the driving roles so Phil will get a chance to sleep. “Thanks for not killing us, by the way,” Dan mentions while they stand in line for their food.

“I did my best. There were a few close calls, though,” Phil admits. “But, you know. It would be a waste to outsmart a killer only to die in a place as boring as a car.” Dan laughs.

They’re on the road again, and after Phil briefly explains that Dan just has to follow the five freeway, he’s out like a light.

Phil awakes to Dan’s playlist and surroundings he doesn’t recognize. Dan hums along to what Phil vaguely recognizes as a Frank Ocean song, and Phil yawns. “Morning, sleepyhead,” Dan greets, smiling. “Almost there.”

“I might explode if I keep sitting,” Phil confesses. He feels loopy, because his normal sleep schedule is all off and nothing feels real. They drive for a little bit more, until Dan agrees that they can stop so Phil can stretch his legs. They’ve reached Washington by now, but Seattle is still two hours away.

Dan and Phil lean against the car, passing the bag of kettle corn back and forth as it dwindles to nothing. “I didn’t really account for how long this was actually going to take,” says Phil. “They look way closer together on a map.”

“It’ll be worth it,” Dan assures. “We’ve always wanted to go, right?”

Phil smiles. “Yeah. It’ll be good.” But his stomach still turns, feeling guilty for making them drive all this way.

When they get back in the car, Phil almost falls asleep again, but he knows that it would be cruel of him to leave Dan to drive without company, so he pulls through, resting his head on the window.

Out of nowhere, Dan says, “Whatever happened to your random sophomore year girlfriend?”

Immediately, Phil is taken aback. He knows Dan never likes to bring her up. He knows that she used to make Dan upset, and he thinks he knows the reason, but he never really asked. And anyway, Dan didn’t like when Phil talked about her, so why bother?

“Oh, Angelina?” Phil responds evenly as possible, trying to keep his cool and pass her off as not a big deal when she really was. “We still text every once in awhile, but it’s not like we hang out. I saw her at Charlie’s party last month.”

“So how is she?”

Again, Phil doesn’t exactly know how to respond, and it’s way too early in the morning for this conversation. “Fine, I suppose. What’s with the sudden interest?”

“I dunno, does there need to be a reason?” Dan asks defensively.

“No, no,” Phil says. “It’s just...”

“I don’t ever bring her up?” Dan finishes, and Phil nods.

“To be fair, neither do I.”

“Well, why would you?” reasons Dan. “I never asked you why, you didn’t want to talk about it. Didn’t want to upset you.”

“That’s not true. I wanted to tell you, but she made you sad so I never mentioned it.”

“Then tell me now.” Dan’s tone is not defensive or aggressive, though Phil thinks maybe it could have been. He’s curious. He wants to know.

Phil takes a deep breath. “Well, the jist of it is that I was unhappy. I had been for a long time. Not a lot else to it.”

Dan is silent for a moment. “Why?” he finally asks. “Did she do something?”

“No,” Phil answers. He debates for a moment about how much of the truth he wants to share. “She was actually really cool. And I liked her, genuinely liked her, for a long time. But eventually we just stopped clicking the way we used to. She wasn’t what I wanted anymore.”

“You said it was mutual, yeah?”

“Basically.” He supposes it wouldn’t hurt to say the real truth. “Plus, it felt for a long time that I was losing you.”

Dan raises his eyebrows. “What?”

“The more time I spent with her, the more you slipped away,” Phil explains, but he treads carefully. Sophomore year is a time he doesn’t like remembering too much. “I wished we could have been spending more time together. I missed you, and I could tell you missed me too.”

“What do you mean? I was happy for you.” But Phil can hear in his voice that he doesn’t really mean it.

“I know you were,” Phil assures. “Still, though.”

There’s a small grin spreading across Dan’s face. “So broke up with her because you missed me?”

“Yeah, I guess. I just missed hanging out with you, playing mario kart, getting up to no good. Angelina was a cool girl but if I spent all my time with her thinking about how much I missed you then there was no point. It wasn’t fair to her.” He takes a breath. This topic is giving him a headache. “Is that a good answer?”

“It’s a perfect answer.” The GPS announces that the next off ramp will lead them to their final destination. “Thank Christ.”

They drop the topic, but Phil can’t help but wonder. Why did Dan decide to bring it up? Today, of all the days he could have asked, here and now in the car? What the hell is going on inside Daniel Howell’s brain?

 

\--

 

Senior year seemed to be getting more stressful by the minute. The pressure of college applications, enormous amounts of homework, and preparation for the senior research paper were all strains on Dan’s old friend group. This, coupled with the fact that Dan and Chris hadn’t been on speaking terms in about seven months, lead to the group basically falling apart.

He knew it was normal for friends to lose touch but it still made him upset, longing for a time before the stress of the future. High school was becoming even more of a drag to attend without the cheerful company of his usual friends by his side. It was frankly a wonder that Dan hadn’t dropped out yet; he was so unmotivated to try in any of his classes.

The only constant in his life was Phil, and even then it sometimes seemed like Phil was growing distant from Dan. He spent most weekends working on his applications instead of doing anything with Dan. Though he would repeatedly advise Dan to do the same, he never felt motivated to do more than set up an account on the common app website.

Though he used to toy around with the idea of going back to England for college, the idea seemed less and less appealing as time went on, especially considering that Phil was way less keen on moving back. His dream school, UCLA, was right where they both happened to live. Maybe that’s why Dan had eventually stopped talking about moving back. Whenever he pictured the future, he didn’t picture college or school like Phil did. But he did picture Phil being a part of it. He never said that to Phil, but it was true.

Dan’s plan to eventually grow out of his feelings for Phil hadn’t exactly worked. He managed to scale back the intensity of them to a dull roar, but it wasn’t as though they disappeared. Mostly, he could ignore it. He wasn’t like his hormonal fifteen year old self anymore, fondling over Phil all the time, obsessed with his every word, thinking about kissing him at every waking moment. Dan would cringe when he looked back on how desperate he used to act, how simultaneously oblivious and needy he was. He still cared for Phil more than he could say, but his days of puppy love were over, and that was fine with him.

He reasoned that if it was meant to be, it would have happened already, partly because he didn’t want to ruin his friendship with the only person in school who still tolerated him and partly because he had run out of excuses.

Speaking of excuses, though, he seemed to be a fountain of them when it came to thinking of reasons to not apply to university. Firstly, he reasoned, it would be a lot of money to go, a lot of money to apply, and a lot of money for travel expenses. He didn’t have a money tree, after all.

He would also claim that he had too much homework to do, so he couldn’t possibly have time to work on college applications at the same time. Phil would reprimand him for this excuse, always claiming that if he could do it, so could Dan. But obviously, given Dan’s track record versus Phil’s, that statement was a flat out lie.

Dan would also make the excuse that he was too busy writing, of all things, poetry. He had actually started to mess around in the notebook Phil had gotten him for his seventeenth birthday, writing little stanzas about existentialism and love and, his favourite topic, death. It was a bit cliche, but apparently Dan had a lot of pent up teen angst that needed to be expelled somehow. By October, his journal was already half full of nothing but poems. He reckoned that most, if not all of them, were crap, but it wasn’t nothing. It wasn’t something he planned on making a habit forever, but it was something that gave him a space to talk about the things he felt he couldn’t say. Phil was his best friend, but that didn’t mean he always understood everything Dan was on about all the time. But a pen and a paper did.

Once, Phil confronted Dan about his poetry writing ways, demanding that he read Dan’s notebook. Of course, Dan denied this request, but Phil would not stop bugging him about it. After a cycle of asking and saying no, Dan eventually gave in, and over lunch on a Wednesday, Dan flipped through his book and found a poem he didn’t entirely hate (and one that wasn’t about Phil himself), and with reluctance tore it out and handed it to him. Upon reading it, he practically shouted in joy. “This is amazing,” Phil declared. “You have a real talent for this stuff.”

Dan just rolled his eyes. “It’s not as though I’m the next Shakespeare or anything.”

“You don’t have to be,” Phil explained. “You just have to be you, and use your own unique voice.”

“Okay, Doctor Phil, Jesus.”

“I’m serious,” Phil said with wide eyes. “This is the real deal. You really haven’t done this before?”

“Nope,” said Dan, shrugging. “Just a random hobby I developed.”

Later that night, Dan received a text from Phil at twelve in the morning, which was unsurprising. However, the content of the message was.

 _P:_ _u always say you cant afford to go to uni. have you ever looked into doing stuff like this?_

Attached was a link to a scholarship website, advertising a poetry contest. The winner would receive a thousand dollars.

D: _whats this about?_

_P: u should enter your poem! It was rly good._

_P: deserves recognition_

_D: no one else is allowed to read it, that was a one time deal just for u bc we’re bffs but no._

_P: whats the worst that could happen_

_D: i am publicly shamed and 4ever scared to go outside....._

_P: u never go outside try again_

_D: my fragile pride is at stake :/ im sry but no_

_P: u deserve more credit than u give urself._

_P: m going to bed but think abt it pls_

_D: kk gn_

_P: x_

The next morning, Phil confronted him about it by his locker. “Think about it,” Phil gushed. “Your work gets recognized, and you have some extra cash to help pay for tuition or whatever you need it for.”

“Forget it,” insisted Dan. The thought of having other people look at the innermost parts of his mind made him sick. Besides, he didn’t want others to have to look at his pitiful excuse for a poem. There were people out there that did this kind of thing professionally, and he was not one of them. He would only make a fool of himself.

“It would make me happy,” Phil said, flashing his signature puppy dog smile. He continued to give Dan said smile for several days, and although Dan had absolutely no desire to share his poetry with anyone else, Phil insisted, and even started Dan’s application. Then, under most evil pretenses, he brought up the scholarship in front of Dan’s parents. After they had learned about it, they became enthralled with the idea, just as Phil planned, and Dan had no choice but to apply. He had already suffered enough of disappointing his parents; though his grades had not necessarily gotten worse over the years, they certainly weren’t improving.

Eventually Dan picked three poems he liked the best, and after hours of making them as close to perfect as they could be, he submitted his forms over skype with Phil. He wasn’t expecting anything out of it, and it was not as though he had come any closer to applying for any universities, in America or England. He mostly just did it to get Phil to shut up about it and to at least try to convince his parents he was attempting to think about his future.

Dan wasn’t expecting to care so much about finding out the results of the thing; it wasn’t even his choice to apply for it anyways. But when he received an email midweek announcing the winners of the scholarship were to be revealed on the upcoming Saturday, he suddenly became very nervous about it.

Dan woke up early that morning, but could not bring himself to check his emails. Instead, he called Phil, and though he didn’t receive a response, he showed up at his doorstep at eight in the morning, much to the shock of his parents. Phil, however, was much less surprised, and without so much as a word hopped into Dan’s car.

“Where are we going?” Phil asked, “Also, will there be food involved, since I haven’t eaten breakfast yet.”

After a successful IHOP run consisting of pancakes and bacon, the pair found themselves in a park, the morning sun beating down on them even though it was November and it should have been cold by now. Phil didn’t ask why Dan suddenly decided to take a spontaneous breakfast journey, he didn’t ask why Dan seemed really on edge, and he didn’t ask about school. They just enjoyed being with each other, and it was almost enough to make Dan forget about his phone burning a hole in his pocket. The opinions of people he had never met and didn’t know him at all and never would were waiting for him behind the icon of the email app, and it terrified him more than he knew it should.

“I find out today,” Dan said, after the pressure of holding it in was too much.

“Find what out?” asked Phil.

“Whether or not I got the scholarship,” Dan explained. “I mean, my expectations are low, and I imagine a lot of people applied, but, yeah.”

Phil smiled in a way that could melt the sun. “No matter what happens, I am so proud of you,” he promised. “You have done something so brave.”

“Well, it’s thanks to you. You were the only reason I applied in the first place.”

“But you didn’t necessarily have to do it. Besides, you’re the one with the talent. This was all you, Dan.” Phil looked expectantly at Dan. “When do you find out?”

“It’s sitting in my inbox right now. I can’t bring myself to open it.”

“We’ll do it together.”

Dan breathed a shaky sigh of relief. “I was hoping you’d say that.” He knew this shouldn’t be a big deal. But the fear of being rejected clawed at his insides. His eyes remained shut and he pulled out his phone. Without needing to say anything, he gave it to Phil to check instead.

“Dear Mr. Howell,” Phil began, scanning the contents of Dan’s phone. “After careful consideration of all applicants in this year’s scholarship...” His voice trailed off as he read the rest of the email. He grew silent.

“What is it?” Dan asked, exasperated and on the edge of his seat.

“Dan,” Phil said quietly, excitement imbued in his voice. “You’ve won. You got it.”

“Excuse me?” he breathed quietly.

“You have been awarded with the thousand dollar prize!” Phil read. “The highest honor possible!”

Dan’s blood rushed with euphoria, his heart singing. “You’re not pulling my leg?” he asked, because it almost didn’t seem real. There was someone out there that didn’t think he was a failure. That he was worthy of winning.

“Of course not!” Phil handed Dan his phone, where he could read for himself his win. His lungs swelled and his he felt light headed. It was all too much. Before he could think twice, he pulled Phil into a hug so tightly he could barely breathe. “I knew you could do it,” Phil whispered into Dan’s shoulder. Dan vaguely notices that he’s taller than Phil now. Just barely, but enough.

“Thank you,” Dan replied, not letting go of his best friend. He is so, so happy, so proud of himself and so self-assured. This was a thing he did all on his own, just because he could, not to prove anything or because he wanted the money. There was someone out there, someone manning a committee that judged a bunch of high schoolers’ melodramatic poetry, and that person liked what Dan created. And he had Phil to thank for that entirely. “Thank you,” he repeated, trying to communicate everything he felt in two words.

 

\--

 

A quick Google search leads Phil to a place for lunch. Despite being farther north than before, it’s much more pleasant than the weather in San Francisco. Dan insists that they make a stop at the Japanese Garden, and Phil is more than happy to oblige. It is nice to see Dan reignited like this. He has a habit of pretending he likes nothing but the darkness, but this is undeniable proof that he derives joy from the lighter things in life too.

They spend the early afternoon walking through the garden, taking pictures of each other amongst the cherry blossoms and admiring the landscape views from the bridge overlooking the little stream that runs through. It’s too small and over too soon and decidedly not Japan, but Dan says this can hold him over for now. Phil tries to ignore the hitch in his throat when Dan says, “When we see the real deal, it’ll be a million times better.” The thought of traveling the world with Dan keeps crossing his mind. It would prove that he and Dan are in this together, that no matter what happens or where they go, they will always be best friends, and they will somehow always find each other.

Phil insists that they go to the first Starbucks, and Dan protests and says it’s touristy but nevertheless obliges. They both order caramel macchiatos and sip happily while walking down the marketplace. It is full of the hustle and bustle of a city, but not with the overwhelming sense of claustrophobia and panic that places like London or Los Angeles sometimes are. While a lot of San Francisco felt more historical, and more touristy, this feels authentic and modern. Both Dan and Phil agree that this place is something special. The beach is also close by, which is another plus, and though they’re not exactly dressed for it in jeans and sweatshirts, it doesn’t really matter.

Though they make the drive to the Space Needle, they both agree they don’t want to wait in the queue to go up and instead choose to admire it from the outside. Phil points out that there’s a ferris wheel they could go on that has an equally fantastic view, so Dan drives them back to the beach to ride that instead. It reminds Phil so much of the Manchester Eye, not huge, but not a tiny carnival piece either, and he feels a pang of nostalgia. He’s glad he moved to America, but life as a transfer student hasn’t always been a cakewalk. No one understands this better than Dan, and when they lock eyes in the small line to board the Wheel, Phil grins. When they get in a car, Phil feels a small wave of nausea, but ignores it because while Dan takes so many pictures of the expanse of the city before them, eyes shining, Phil thinks, _God, I am so lucky._

“Traveling is so much fun,” Dan says, gazing at the spectacular view with wonder in his eyes. Phil is only looking at him. “Why don’t we do it more?”

“Traveling is expensive,” Phil answers.

“That’s why we have to do something where we could get paid to travel.”

“Well, if you could drop everything and move somewhere, where would it be?” Phil asks.

“Here,” Dan answers, looking out the window. “Honestly. This place is close to perfect.”

Phil smiles. “Yeah, Seattle has defied my expectations.”

They continue the cycle of the wheel. The view of the whole of Seattle reminds Phil of how far they traveled to get here, and how long it took them. It reminds him of all the things they have yet to do. It fills him with a sense of possibility and hope, but also a sense of dread. What if they have more things to do together, more chapters to write as a pair, but they run out of time? When Phil moves away and Dan stays behind, or when Dan moves back to England, or any other possibility that could tear them apart? The thought makes him queasy, though this is also due to his debilitating travel sickness.

“Dan, remember how you used to say you wanted to move back to England after school?” Phil asks, staring out at the beach.

“Yeah,” Dan says tentatively. “Why do you bring that up?”

“Do you still want to?”

Dan scoffs. “No, not particularly. What would I do there?”

“Well, you have family and stuff?”

“It’s not my home, though. It used to be, but it’s not now.” He playfully rolls his eyes and glances at Phil. “God, when was the last time I even brought up the possibility of moving back there?”

Phil shrugs sheepishly. “I dunno, I just thought maybe you didn’t want to bring it up with me for some reason.”

“If I was actually serious about moving to another country, you’re the first person I would tell,” Dan promises. “You should know that by now.”

“I know,” Phil replies. “Still.”

“Listen,” Dan says. “You’re the person I tell everything to. If I had even the slightest clue what I was doing with my life, you can bet your ass you’d know about it.”

“Point taken,” Phil says, laughing a little.

“Smile,” Dan commands, taking Phil’s picture at the top of the Wheel’s cycle.

Phil notices that Dan doesn’t mention the obvious, which is that it doesn’t matter anyways because it’s Phil who’s leaving Dan, and not the other way around. Phil likes having the safety of knowing that his future won’t be so unpredictable, that his next four years are laid out for him on forms and schedules. He’ll have class and a guaranteed place to live for four years.

Though it breaks his heart, he knows Dan doesn’t want to follow him to college. In an ideal world the two of them would be in each other’s lives whether or not school was done, but Phil clearly isn’t living in that world. He has to be realistic. So he is mostly happy with the life he has planned and it may not include Dan, but he isn’t selfish enough to make it so. Still, it hurts more than he can describe.

When they get off the wheel, the sun is setting and the people on the beach are beginning to pack up. They wordlessly head back to the car, but instead of driving anywhere, they sit and stare at the dashboard. After a bit, Phil suggests that he bring his coat and they go back to the beach to catch the last rays of the sun before it disappears. Then they can start to head home. Dan agrees, and they walk back. Phil lays out his jacket for them to sit on, once again, and it’s peaceful.

“Thank you,” Dan says, looking at Phil with a smile that could heal the sick and end all wars.

“For what?” Phil replies.

“For going on this trip with me, and for driving us here, and for being my best friend. I wouldn’t be me without you.”

“Of course.” Phil can hear the sound of his heart beating. “But you are an amazing person on your own, you know.”

“But you bring out the best in me, Phil,” Dan confesses, gathering sand into his fists. “You helped me study for my finals when you had your own, because you knew if I just worked hard enough, I could succeed. I thought making the drive all the way to San Francisco was a long way, but you proved we could go even further than that.”

“Dan.” Phil’s throat closes up. This is making him feel light-headed. He has no clue what to say. Instead, he stares at the sky, tinted with pink and purple, the first hint of stars shining through the clouds.

“I wouldn’t be who I am without you,” continues Dan, staring up at the same sky. “I just want you to know that.”

“Yeah, same,” Phil responds weakly, his lungs constricting. “Do you mind if we just hang out here for a little while longer?”

“That sounds perfect.”

“Perfect.”

 

\--

 

Once, Dan almost said “I love you.”

Well, there were a lot of times when he thought about saying it, in late night study sessions in freshman year, back when he actually cared about school, back before he even realized it himself, during passing periods between algebra and biology, amidst slightly drunken mario kart tournaments with his friends, when they went to see a musical in Hollywood together. In a different universe, the moment would have been just right and he would have said it, he could have said it, but he didn’t. He would think it it, but he didn’t say it.

But there was one time, just once, when he almost actually did it, when his mouth moved before his brain and the words practically tumbled off of his lips before he swallowed them and never let them see the light of day.

The day Dan received his check in the mail for his scholarship, he called Phil about it, but Phil didn’t pick up right away. When Phil eventually got around to listening to Dan’s voicemail at eleven at night, he drove to Dan’s. It wasn’t an uncommon occurrence, as oftentimes Dan’s head would get filled with ideas, spinning out of control, making him feel hopeless. Phil would drive to his house and they would sit together, sometimes in silence and sometimes with the TV on, and Dan would sink into Phil’s arms and try to forget everything for a while.

That night, however, Phil was over under slightly better circumstances. They snuck to the backyard because Dan’s parents were asleep and they didn’t want to wake them, and laid out on the lawn.

“I have news,” Phil said, ripping at the grass. “But I know you do too.”

“No, it’s okay. What’s up?”

Phil took a shaky breath. “Well, I found out that I got into Bard with an almost full ride.”

“Oh my God, seriously?” Dan said excitedly. Bard was a school in New York, a long way away from home, one of Phil’s top choices. “That’s really wonderful!”

“Thanks. But I, uh--” He pauses, wrapping his arms around his stomach.

“Yeah?” Dan prompts.

“Well, I’ve been waitlisted to UCLA.”

“I’m sorry Phil,” said Dan, frowning. “But you weren’t rejected, at least, right?”

“The chances of anyone getting off the waitlist are slim to none,” Phil explains, his voice shaking. “It might as well be a rejection.”

“Oh,” Dan replied, feeling like an idiot. Dan’s heart sank just a little bit. It was Phil’s dream school, close to home, and Dan was very much a fan of the prospect of Phil staying close to home. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s...” Dan could tell Phil was trying not to break in front of him, even though Dan wanted nothing more for him to do just that, to show some emotions. Dan knew he would probably already be crying if it were him. “It’s fine,” Phil finished. “Besides, I got a full ride to Bard, remember?”

“Almost,” Dan corrected, and Phil laughed. But Dan couldn’t help but feel like he had just shattered into a million pieces. Phil was going to leave him, travel far away and forget all about Dan, while Dan stayed here and rotted away, purposeless and loveless. Dan always got by on the assumption Phil would get into UCLA because he was a perfect student, stay close by and at least visit Dan on occasion. But his hopes for the future were being shattered, and there wasn’t anything he could do about it.

“And you think I should do it, yeah?” asked Phil, which caught Dan off-guard.

“Obviously!” Dan answered. “I mean, it’s a good school and it’s gonna be close to free. You can’t pass up an opportunity like that.”

Phil nodded slowly. “Right,” he agreed. “You’re right.” Dan tried to ignore the sound of his heart breaking.

“Listen, Phil, I...” Dan almost said it. It was perched right on the tip of his tongue and threatened to spill over his lips and into the universe. But some miniscule, logical part of his brain refrained from letting him say it. Because once he did, he could never take it back. “I’m proud of you, no matter what,” he said instead.  
“I know you are,” Phil assured. “And I’m proud of you too. You’ve got your money now, that’s exciting.”

Dan laughed hollowly. “I guess I did. Doesn’t even matter though, because I’m, like, not, you know.”

A shiver ran through Dan’s spine as Phil said, “Not going to uni?”

Dan just nodded. A sob was on the edge of his throat. “Guess I’ll get some retail therapy,” he joked, but it was hard to mask how desperately sad he felt.

“Or you could put it in savings and still put it to good use,” Phil chided. “Adult life is on the horizon.” Dan wanted to scream. He was losing his best friend, right before his eyes, and there was nothing he could do about it. It was way too late to apply for any colleges now and Phil was ready to go off and grow up and move on with his life, and Dan still refused to let go. There was nothing he could say, besides the one thing he was terrified to say, that would change it.

“I wanna be a kid forever,” Dan whispered wistfully. _I wanna be with you forever_ , is what he meant to say.

 

\--

 

The sun has completely set by now; Phil knows that this little paradise that he and Dan have created must come crumbling down eventually. They have to go back or their parents will start to worry, and they both need to graduate and get on with their lives.

The sand is coarse but it feels like a massage on Phil’s feet, smoothing his skin. They must be on the same brainwave, because Dan says, “So, like, are we gonna go graduate, or what?”

Phil sighs dramatically. “I suppose.” He tries to sound humorous, but he can’t help but feel disappointed, like this whole trip has been a waste. It proved and changed nothing. Dan is still just his best friend and Phil’s still gonna leave him in a few short months while Dan goes God knows where. Everything feels heavy and Phil still can’t have the only thing he’s ever wanted.

Neither of them make any attempts to move, continuing to sit on the jacket, listening to the seagulls. It’s painfully silent. Maybe this was never meant to be. Maybe there really would come a day where neither of them had anything left to say to each other. The thought makes Phil’s heart leave his chest.

Maybe it’s for the best that nothing ever happened. Maybe it spared more heartbreak than it caused. Maybe things would have blown up, instead of fizzling into nothing. Phil doesn’t know which is worse.

“So, graduation?” Phil finally says, after the silence is unbearable.

“Eh,” Dan replies.

“After all that hard work?”

Dan thinks about it for a moment. “Okay, fine.” It barely escapes his mouth as a whisper, just hanging on the edge of coherence. They both reluctantly stand up, feet sinking into the sand below them. The air hangs imbalanced between the two of them. There’s so much that’s been left unsaid. God, it makes Phil’s chest ache with an indescribable pain, something so deep and profound it makes his eyes start to water. His lungs are dissolving, his head is floating away, but he can still see Dan’s eyes in the dark, illuminated by the lights of the wheel in the distance and the moon. It hurts to look at them, but it hurts more when he tears his gaze away. He can feel Dan’s breath on his face. His warmth pours out of his body and Phil bathes in it. His focus is on the curve of Dan’s fingertips as they barely reach out to touch Phil’s own. Phil’s fingers reach back, putting just enough pressure into Dan’s hand to let him know he reciprocates. He always has and will, and it’s hard for him to say it in as many words but he has tried in other ways, but that’s proving to be harder.

“Why are you crying?” asks Dan in a voice that is making Phil break and he doesn’t know how to respond because he doesn’t know, because he never cries. Because it’s been four years. One thousand four hundred and sixty days, a million moments and missed chances, when he could have easily said something but he didn’t. Because every day it feels like he’s trapped inside of his own heart, desperate to break free but terrified of the consequences. Because he is such a huge, colossal idiot. Because all the time he’s spent living with a cage of butterflies swarming in his chest, threatening to explode out of his mouth, he’s been trying to kill them but failing miserably. Because life is difficult and tricky and messy but with Dan everything is easier, so much more so. Because Phil hurts so badly, and he doesn’t want to hurt anymore.

Because Phil is in love with his best friend.  
“You okay?” Dan asks, frowning.

Phil can only nod, though it’s obviously a lie. In response, Dan intertwines their hands, his left and Phil’s right. His brain feels like it’s melting. Like the butter on the popcorn they share when they watch a movie sprawled on Phil’s couch in the late hours of the night, like the chocolate on the stove over a bain marie during a failed baking attempt. Dan wipes away a tear from Phil’s cheek. “It’s gonna be okay,” Dan promises.

“Dan,” Phil breathes into the very little space that’s left between the two of them.

“Phil,” he says back.

It happens slowly; it happens all at once. Neither of them know who does it. But Dan’s lips are on Phil’s, and suddenly Phil forgets everything. Every nerve ending explodes with fire as warmth spreads through his chest. There is nothing tentative about it, yet it feels gentle-- explorative, but purposeful. Dan pulls him even closer. Their bodies press together and they fit perfectly, Dan’s chest flat and flush against Phil’s beating heart. The wind that rushes past their bodies feels like catharsis and the sand beneath their feet feels like soft beginnings.

They pull away slowly, out of breath, touching foreheads. The world is still. The world is starting to make sense. This is how it’s supposed to be, how it always should have been.

“Phil?” Dan finally whispers after a mountain of stunning silence.

“Yeah?”

But he doesn’t say anything. Phil wants nothing more than to kiss him again, but the time doesn’t feel quite right, like something is missing. He needs to deserve it.

“Phil, I...” Again Dan says nothing. But he doesn’t need to.

“Love you,” Phil finishes for him.

“Yeah, that.” Dan smiles and everything is perfect; this moment needs to be preserved, a pressed flower in between the pages of a book that contains the story of their lives, their past and their future and the home they’ve built together. They kiss again.

“Quick question,” Dan interrupts, pulling them apart again. “Why hadn’t we done this sooner?”

“Because we are stupid,” answers Phil, grinning enormously.

Dan’s smile is wider than the sun. “Correct.”

“Glad we’re on the same page, then.”

“For once.”

“Yeah.”

It’s quiet again. “Should we go?”

“We can afford to stay here a few more minutes, I think,” Phil answers. Dan smiles on Phil’s mouth.

“Sounds good.”

 

\--

  


Dan’s phone rang and he picked up excitedly. “‘Sup?” he greeted Phil.

“Hey,” he replied. “Louise just texted me, and she said something came up, so she can’t take us anymore.”

Dan’s heart sank. “That’s too bad,” he managed to squeeze out, trying not to color his tone with disappointment. “I was looking forward to it.”

“Well, that doesn’t mean we can’t go on our own, right?”

Suddenly, everything was full of hope. “I suppose, but I don’t have a car.”

“I can drive,” offered Phil.

“I have literally never heard a more inaccurate statement.”

“Hey! My driving is perfectly fine!”

“Whatever. Yes, come pick me up.”

A week ago, over a weird discussion of the differences between British and American culture, Dan’s friends learned (to their absolute dismay) that neither Dan nor Phil had ever been to In-N-Out, the pinnacle of Californian lifestyle. Louise declared with her iron fist that she would accompany the both of them on a quest to get a double-double, fries, and a milkshake if it was the last thing she did, and the next day, made plans with them to go out on Saturday for a much overdue lunch.

Dan thought it was all a bit ridiculous, but with the monotony of homework and the pressures of improving his junior year grades, after the pathetic report card of sophomore year, he jumped on the opportunity for adventure and food. Part of the plan involved Louise paying for the meal, which put a slight damper on their current spirits, but clearly Dan and Phil were stopping at nothing to taste the apparent wonders of crispy fries and secret sauce.

Phil pulled up in front of his house, and Dan could swear he almost saw him knock over a bin outside, but he braved the ride anyways and became the navigator on their quest. Twenty minutes and one sped-through red light later, they had pulled into the drive thru, ordering the exact combination of food Louise had insisted upon.

The wait was excruciating, but they pulled up to the pay window (Dan insisted on paying since Phil drove, much to his protests), and soon the smell of grease wafted through the car as they sped off, bags of food at the ready.

They agreed to wait until arriving at a nearby park to eat the food, but Dan couldn’t resist the milkshake. “Smooth, creamy, irresistible, everything a milkshake should be,” was his review. They arrived, found a picnic table that wasn’t visibly crawling with ants, and opened the bags of food as though they were entering the gates of heaven.

When Dan bit into his burger, his eyes rolled back into his head as he sighed. “That’s a burger,” he declared. Neither of them spoke for another two minutes, busy enjoying their food.

“This was worth the hype,” decided Phil, chewing thoughtfully on a fry.

“I would have to agree.”

“How have we never tried this before?”

Dan shrugged. “Wonder what else we’re missing out on.”

They continued to eat in silence, listening to the sounds of the playground and the pigeons. Dan regretfully finished his burger and complained loudly that he missed it, begging the heavens that he could have twenty more. Phil said that Dan would have to settle for the few fries he had left, but those too were gone quickly, leaving him staring wistfully at a pile of crumbs.

“So, was it worth it?” Phil asked.

“Are you kidding?” Dan answered. “This was the best thing I’ve ever eaten.”

“Do you still resent moving here?”

The question caught him completely off guard. Dan hasn’t said anything like that in a long time, not since freshman year, for a lot of obvious reasons. “What do you mean?”

“You wouldn’t have In-N-Out.”

Dan laughed in spite of himself. He was once a shallow, annoyed fourteen year old who hated his parents for taking him from his home, for making him adapt to a different culture and life. But he was able to make a new home here, and Phil was a large part of that. California would never be England, but it didn’t have to be. They locked eyes.

“I don’t resent it. Not at all.”

 

\--

  


Phil probably could have continued to snog his best friend and love of his life on the beach forever, but they have to leave eventually, because there are other important things in life that involve diplomas. Dan drives for a bit, but keeps getting distracted by Phil, who constantly leans over to kiss Dan’s dimples, or his hands, or the top of his head, despite the distance between them and the obstruction of the armrest, because he’s missed out on almost four years worth of kisses. Dan yells at him to knock it off, both of their lives are in his hands and he doesn’t want to die in a car crash right before graduation. Phil only half listens to his requests.

Phil does eventually get tired and leans against the window of the car. Dan then complains that he misses Phil’s kisses, and Phil yells at him for being hypocritical. They soon decide to get some rest, because Phil insists that they both desperately need it. They pull into the parking lot of a Starbucks and set an alarm to go off in two hours. That’s all the time they can afford to sleep, unless they want to miss graduation. Dan yet again complains that if he sleeps he’ll be Phil-deprived so they move to the backseat, where they awkwardly attempt to cuddle.

They fall asleep as a mess of haphazard legs stretched across the seats, Phil leaning against the window of the car and Dan sitting on top of him. It’s easily the least comfortable position Phil’s ever been in, and he wakes up before the alarm goes off. Out of fear of waking Dan up, he remains in this awkward position, nose pressed against the back of Dan’s head.

When it’s time to get to driving again, they do so in relative silence, the music still playing in the background. Phil vaguely notices that the playlist has since started over. Even Dan couldn’t make a playlist long enough for the amount of time they spent in the car. Then again, he didn’t know just how far they would be traveling.

Dan drives until they reach Oregon, and they stop for “breakfast” at two in the morning. Against Dan’s wishes, Phil decides to drive for a bit. If he was a bad driver before, that is nothing compared to how he is with Dan constantly distracting him. He now knows what Dan must have felt like not four hours ago, when he did the same to him. Still, for all his history with road related incidents, it’s almost cruel of him to do.

When they pass through Portland, Phil vows that one day they’ll visit. Though he means well, eventually Dan falls asleep, and Phil feels an aching sense of loneliness. Dan’s right next to him, but the lack of his touch leaves his senses dull. His mind wanders to the prospect of what this means for their future. What’s going to happen when Phil moves away? Is Dan planning to wait around for him? Go with him? He can’t possibly expect either of these things, but he doesn’t foresee whatever it is that they have working out over a long distance. Sure, they could try. But Skype doesn’t always cut it.

The entirety of Oregon was supposed to take almost five hours to drive; Phil does it in four and a half and feels ready to pass out by the end.

When they switch places, Phil briefly falls asleep, jolting awake when Dan speeds past a clanging truck. They’re back in California now, and at seven in the morning they stop for a round two breakfast. Dan jokes that for all the fast food they’ve eaten, he’s saved so much of his scholarship money that he’ll still be able to use the majority of it for “good use,” as Phil so desired. Phil has nothing to say to that, so he says, “I love you.”

It’s a race against time: they need to be back at school to get their cap and gowns in time, and Dan deserves this moment so so much after everything he’s done. So Dan focuses on driving, Phil focuses on trying not to be distracting, and they don’t talk about what happened on the beach. Maybe it’s enough for now to just know that when Phil gets the urge to kiss Dan on the head, he can. When “Breakin’ Free” comes on, Dan turns it up and they scream the lyrics at the top of their lungs; Phil sings Gabriella’s part, whilst Dan takes on Troy’s harmonies. Luckily, the windows are closed, because the ears of the cows they pass on the side of the freeway would be bleeding.

They create their own little world, in the car, amongst the miscellaneous wrappers and the creases in the seats. But it has to end eventually. The sights of Los Angeles surround them, and at first Phil feels like he’s coming home, but he realizes that anywhere with Dan feels like home.

They get back to school with half an hour to spare. PJ asks where the hell they’ve been, and they don’t know how much they should share. Dan seems to panic, so Phil steps in smoothly and pulls out his phone, scrolling through his camera roll and showing him some of the pictures of the Bay and the pizza they ate in San Francisco and the views from the top of the Wheel. He also recounts the story of how he and Dan almost died, how they practically saved each other’s lives. “Sounds fun,” PJ says, nodding enthusiastically. “And Dan has his cap and gown, I see?”

“I’m graduating!” Dan shouts excitedly, eager to steer the topic clear of the trip. The more they talk about it to other people, the more the magic dissipates. They want to keep the magic around for a while.

The moment Dan shakes hands with the principal, Phil cheers so loudly he thinks his lungs will give out. At the end of the ceremony, when they throw their caps into the air, it’s the best release Phil has ever felt in his life. It’s over now. All the triviality of homework for classes he hated, having to walk the halls with people he didn’t even like, it’s over. He thanks the lord he doesn’t have to call himself a high schooler anymore. It had its good moments, but overall he doesn’t think it’ll be something he misses.

There will be someone, though.

 _Speaking of..._ He meets Dan amongst the throng of overly energized graduates, and they embrace for a very long time. Dan kisses the top of Phil’s head even though surely there are people watching, but Phil can’t really find it in him to care.

Soon, Dan’s parents meet up with them, barely managing to break through the masses of people on the field. They give Dan a bouquet of roses, and Dan’s cheeks flush to match. Phil can’t help but feel somewhat responsible for Dan’s graduation. He suspects that Dan’s parents think so too, because his mom gives him a hug and his own bouquet of flowers, whispering, “Thank you.”

While Phil waits for his own parents to meet him on the field, he scrolls through his notifications out of habit, and his stomach leaps out of his throat. He opens his emails to confirm he isn’t just seeing things. “Dan!” he screams, because he’s the first person Phil wants to tell, he always is.

“What?” he answers excitedly.

He shoves his phone into Dan’s hand, who reads eagerly. “You...” His eyes unexpectedly well up with tears, which makes Phil’s do the same. “Oh my God,” he breathes.

“What’s going on?” Phil’s parents ask from behind him, appearing from the crowds. “What happened?”

Though Phil starts to answer, Dan cuts him off. “Phil got into UCLA! He’s off the waitlist!”

The group collectively gasps. A chorus of, “Phil, that’s wonderful!” and “Congratulations!” erupts, and Dan and Phil hug again, unwilling to let go. This has implications Phil can barely process. He can stay here. He can go to his dream school. He can stay here. With Dan.

Their parents insist that they break the hug apart so they can take some official graduation family photos, but Phil’s mind is traveling a million miles a minute. Camera flashes blur his vision and the world is tilting. Dan grabs Phil’s hand and he uses this to ground himself in reality. This isn’t a dream, this is real. Phil got into UCLA and Dan loves him. This is real.

Later, they go to PJ’s graduation party at his insistence. Though he made it sound like a little get-together, it seems like their entire grade is attending. “Look at you, Mr. Popular,” Phil chides when they finally spot him pouring drinks for people.

“What can I say? People love me.” He notices them holding hands but he doesn’t say anything. Phil tells him he’s off the waitlist for UCLA and PJ yells in delight and makes him a celebratory drink. Though Phil accepts it, he is way too tired to get even slightly tipsy, so he sets it down on a table when PJ isn’t looking.

They head outside to sit on the trampoline, which surprisingly has not been claimed yet. Before they can climb the stairs, a voice behind them says, “Hey,” and they turn around to see none other than Chris, staring at the ground.

“Hi,” Phil says, and he can feel Dan tensing at his side. They had since let go of each other’s hands, but Phil’s knuckles brush against Dan’s.

“I just wanted to say I’m sorry for being an asshole,” Chris says quickly, continuing to avoid eye contact. “I was a crap friend and I don’t expect your forgiveness, but I never stopped rooting for you both.”

Phil is wary of the sudden apology, but to his surprise, Dan responds, “Thanks, Chris. Same goes for you.”

He finally raises his head with a small sheepish grin. “You mean it?”

“Course,” Dan says easily, shrugging. Phil barely registers it, but Dan’s hand casually squeezes his.

“Well, thanks,” concludes Chris. “I appreciate that. And I’m glad you two got over yourselves.” He raises his eyebrows suggestively.

Dan’s face turns pink. “What?” he manages to choke out.

“You know _what_ ,” he says teasingly. “Seriously, you guys deserve each other.”

“Thanks, Chris,” Phil finally pipes up, eager to end the awkwardness. “See you around?”

“Sure.” He winks before disappearing.

“That was big of you,” Phil praises as they finally get on the trampoline.

“Well, I’m almost an adult,” reasons Dan. “Time to start acting like one.”

They lie down and stare at the sky. Phil muses that it would be great to one day move to a place without light pollution, so he could actually see the stars. He inches closer to Dan in an attempt to rest his head against Dan’s shoulder, but since they’re both lying down he just awkwardly presses his cheek into Dan’s upper arm. Dan giggles and kisses Phil on the top of his head.

“Hey,” Dan murmurs into the sky. “Are we, like, a thing?”

Phil’s stomach does a backflip. “Do you wanna be?”

“Well, you’re staying here, I’m staying here.”

“Didn’t answer my question.”

“Didn’t answer mine.”

Phil sits up, and Dan follows suit. “Yes,” Dan says.

“Yes,” Phil says. He presses a quick kiss to Dan’s lips. “Always.” He doesn’t notice Dan’s eyes widen uncomfortably until it’s too late.

“I knew it!” PJ shouts from behind them. Phil groans and turns around to see him and Louise, cups in hand, hollering for joy. “Lou, you owe me so much money!”

“I’m not paying you five hundred dollars for a joke bet we made as freshmen,” Louise retaliates.

“Nope, the deal was that if they ever ended up together you would give me money. Pay up.”

Phil suddenly feels very small and exposed in the middle of such a large trampoline, but he saves face and playfully rolls his eyes. “Leave us alone, you pervs,” he shouts. They both put their hands up in defense but oblige and walk away, laughing into the night.

The sound of pop music and drunk and happy teenagers continues to waft around them. They lean against the net of the trampoline and forget about the world and the people around them as Phil starts to plant kisses on Dan’s lips, on his forehead, his dimples, his neck, each one laced with love and the promise of forever.

It’s getting late, and sleep is threatening to encompass Phil right on the trampoline. Eventually people want to use it, and they are powerless to deny others of their fun, so they move to the couch inside. Dan reasons that it’ll be a better place to cuddle anyways.

After a moment of quiet, Dan asks, “Ready for our next adventure?”

“Yeah, if it involves going to sleep.”

“But it’s summer now,” whines Dan. “And we still have a lot left to see.”

“And I still have a lot of sleep to catch up on. Besides, I’m giving up my full ride, remember? I need to make money somehow. Eventually.”

Dan huffs, but doesn’t protest. “Phil, you’re not staying here just because of me, right?” he asks, almost completely inaudible.

“UCLA has been my dream since I moved here,” Phil answers. “And so what if I kinda want to stay here because of you? What’s the crime in that?”

“I don’t know if I’m worth it,” Dan mumbles into Phil’s shoulder.

“Hey.” Phil shifts to face him directly. “Don’t say that. I love you.”

Dan smiles. “And you’re sure you don’t mean it as just a friend? Cuz like, I would understand if--”

Phil presses a kiss onto Dan’s lips. “Does that answer your question, Daniel?”

“Yeah.”

Dan rests his head on Phil’s chest and things couldn’t be more perfect. “Do you wanna go?” Dan asks eventually, smiling. Phil can see the exhaustion in his eyes; it mirrors his own. He realizes they haven’t slept fully in days.

“Yeah,” replies Phil. “‘M sleepy.” But still, they don’t move for a long time.

Dan drives Phil home at two in the morning, and on the way they make plans to get back on the road. For two people who hate going outside, nothing excites them more than the idea of seeing the expanse of the country. They’ll go to every state, getting lost in the Rockies and trying real Texas barbeque. Maybe not all in one go. But they’ll get there, eventually. And after that, they’ll go to Japan, and then back to the motherland, and everywhere.

But step one in that plan, Dan points out, would be to get Phil a driver’s license. Phil jokes that at that rate, they’d never leave LA again. It’s nothing concrete yet, but it’s still something.

The world may be large, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be all theirs.

**Author's Note:**

> btw im on tumblr (dapgos.tumblr.com) so come say hi if ya want :)
> 
> sondra's art!!: http://sondrascribbles.tumblr.com/image/166856328198


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